Shortcuts to Grace

Embracing Change

2012-01-04T09:43:00.000-05:00

When a beloved pet unexpectedly passed on over the Holidays, I struggled to make sense of it. Over a few days I realized that something interesting was happening to me.

As I attempted to picture her in a new setting, I found that I had lost my feeling for the "hereafter". I had always had a strong bias about "life after death" and I believed I knew what was next...until confronted with this enormous hole in my life. I simply could not create the images I needed to feel better.

Finally, an image began to emerge. I began thinking of her passing on as a means to reconnect me with my lost connection with the divine. Not only did it help me to make sense of her death, but it gave me the wonderful sense that to rejoin me with my spirituality may have been her greatest gift.

When we lose someone or something important, it is probable that not only is it their time to be free, but that they are also helping us to remember who we are.

Creating More Harmony in Your Life

2011-11-13T07:21:00.000-05:00

When it all feels wrong, it probably is. Suppose that we are meant to live joyfully. If you are not doing so, perhaps the symptoms of discord are signs telling you to turn, change, grow, release.

Change. Scary and necessary to a fulfilled life.

Imagine that your most productive, engaged, harmonious life is like a straight road. When you turn off that road, you are creating a diversion or detour from your "best" life. The friction you feel is an indication that you have accidentally veered from your path.

Note that the further you go on the detour, the further the gap to your best path. If you attempt to fix the situation, it will be easier to do it sooner. If you wait, it gets harder. Your gap is greater.

You might think of it like the pressure on a fault line. The adjustment might feel like a small shift if you catch it early. The longer you wait, the greater the probability that fixing the problem will take on earthquake proportions.

Most of us tend to be blind to the need to change until we are looking at creating an earthquake. The trick is to be so sensitive to what works and does not work for you that you recognize the symptoms of a misfit or detour before it is a major shift to change it.

When you choose to ignore the symptoms, you increase the relative distance back to your best outcome. You do not make it better, you do not avoid the issue. You increase the tension by not dealing with the problems.

Worried? Eat Cheese!

2011-10-10T05:32:00.000-04:00

Does your mind spin in the middle of the night? You get to sleep just fine and sleep hard for a few hours and then.....You wake up and can't stop thinking about all the things you need to do, all the things you didn't do, and all the things that are going to "get you"!

Let's face it. The problems will all be there in the morning and if you get some sleep, they will seem more manageable. Your sleep issue may be as simple as blood sugar. If you ate desert, drank alcohol, or consumed any other carbohydrates during the evening, your wake up call could be your own body on a sugar crash.

If inability to sleep well is a persistent conundrum, you may need to change your diet altogether. If that is too big, just get up and get a piece of cheese. Go back to bed and allow it to work its magic...

What's Age Got to Do With It?

2011-09-26T06:55:00.002-04:00

Still waiting for success? That may be what you think but it is probably less true than you believe.

You may be less objective about your "success" than others because you have or have had a vision far greater than your current reality.

The first step is to look back at your accomplishments as others might see them. What have you been doing with your life? Twiddling your thumbs? Highly unlikely.

Try to examine everything you have already accomplished as "getting ready" rather than a detour. Identify the understandings and insights you have which others, who may have gone directly to your End Game, do not have.

Stop worrying about running out of time. You have not been standing still, no matter what you think, so you are not running out of time. You are moving toward your goal. You may have believed yourself ready for ages, or you may have held that goal for a completely different reason than you imagined when you set it. The issue is not how long you have what you want, but how good you are at it when you get there. Perhaps you are only meant to have a few years of the success you have focused on. Imagine if you had gotten it exactly when you thought you were supposed to. What would you have missed and what would you do now?

Review what you have learned in the waiting, and try to determine why you are more qualified than you would have been. Ask yourself what you still have to learn before you can have what you want. Remember that your sense of WHEN you were supposed to accomplish something may have been wrong.

Perhaps you are a Late Bloomer for a reason.

Your Excuses Will Explain a LOT!

2011-08-31T08:11:00.000-04:00

Do you make excuses for why you do not lose weight, change jobs, have better relationships with people? What you say to yourself to explain why something negative is occurring or why you do not change things are often enlightening when you look at them through the eyes of a stranger.

If you start with an assumption that you are NEVER a victim (meaning that no matter what, what is wrong is something you control), you begin to free yourself from your ruts. Remember that you are believing things that keep you in place which may not be true. It may seem easier to be a victim, but in the long term, the consequence is YOUR quality of life.

I don't feel good enough to exercise. My doctor says that __________ is off in my blood tests, etc. I have a stiff back. I have a sore knee.........
From the perspective of a stranger: Maybe if you had the will power to exercise, you would actually feel better without all the medications. Perhaps if you found an exercise you could do with a stiff back, sore knee (they do exist), your body would begin to thank you in mysterious ways-like getting better?
I can't move. My children love their school.
From the perspective of a stranger: What's to say they won't like the new school. Maybe you are teaching them to resist change as opposed to finding the good things that happen with new circumstances.
My mother is ill and in a nursing home. She needs me to be here.
From the perspective of a stranger: If you or your family is suffering or putting things on hold because of her situation, perhaps you should consider finding a new nursing home close to where you need to be. Cruel? Only if you all are resistant to new experiences or new environments. There are actually people who think change is fun. Mostly it might not matter, but if your life is stuck, think about it!
I've always done it this way.
From the eyes of a stranger: And, it isn't working.
I can't......
From the eyes of a stranger: "I won't...."
I'll do it, but I am not ready.
From the eyes of a stranger: You don't want to do it. You care more about whatever you are getting from this situation than you care about the quality of your own life.

Look around you. How much better would you like your life to be? What are you doing to make it that way and what are you doing to keep it just like it is????

No No's of Passive Aggressive, Controlling Behaviors

2011-08-04T17:34:00.003-04:00

Do you know when you are being controlling? It is usually true that you are being controlling if you are obsessed about the outcome needing to be your way. Generally people use all sorts of tactics and techniques in order to force the answer to their specifications. No matter how smooth you are, controlling behavior is a sign of bad leadership and insecurity.

In other words, you are using information that you possess to force this person into acknowledging your prowess or mistrusting their own.

You might want to identify your objective in doing so. Just what are you trying to accomplish when you demean someone else?

Perhaps you have decided that the other person needs to hear the hard truth. Possibly you believe yourself to be the person to tell them. So that? So that they listen to you and you can control the situation? So you can force them to focus on their shortcomings instead of on the issue at hand?

Be sure you know your own motives when you pursue such a path. If your path/plan has merit, you should be able to convince them without diminishing the other person's worth! If it does not have merit on its own, it is unlikely that you will convince the person by demeaning them. You may get your way, but you have lost their respect!

Kittens in the Box

2011-08-03T16:56:00.002-04:00

I always like to remember the image of a kitten in a box when I get smug about the status of any ongoing negotiation.

Why? Because there is no such thing as certainty. You may believe you have it all sewed up but many plans are derailed at the final stages.

The worst thing you can do is assume. If you have bullied or coerced the person into the result you want, try to remember that the more powerfully you have forced their hand, the more determined they will be to find another way out.

Treating Others with Respect

2011-08-03T16:43:00.000-04:00

You may even be entitled to your arrogance! It's possible that you are that smart or that good. You may look at others and think, "Stupid, thick headed, uninformed." It may occur to you to wonder why others just don't "get it".

Because you are frustrated at their lack of whatever, you may feel justified in being short tempered, rude, or dismissive.

I often urge people to remember the French Revolution. Never was it made so clear that there are consequences for treating others as inferior.

If you have a tendency toward rude or dismissive behavior, please review the following....often:

You may not be as smart as you think you are!
Sometimes others will choose to set you up (because you deserve it) by withholding important information.
You may be underestimating your target. Perhaps the other person is not as versed as you are on the topic at hand, but that is not a good reason for assuming this person is inferior. If you have miscalculated, you may regret it.You never know when this person might stand between you and something you want.
If you are thinking that the other person does not understand the low regard you have for him/her, you are probably wrong. If you are thinking it, assume they know it. "Condescending" has a way of seeping through even the most elegantly crafted communications.

Get over yourself. You can accurately presume that each and every person has something valuable to contribute and just because you are smartie does not mean you are the most valuable person in the room!

If You Want to Change Your Circumstance, Focus on the Energy!

2011-07-26T16:31:00.000-04:00

Animal trainers understand the enormous implications of managing the energy. They realize that if they are to influence an animal that does not understand their words, they must control the energy.

The horse trainer knows that to contain a rebellious horse, they must expend and then redirect the resistance. By getting the energy to move forward, he or she created momentum to turn or change into an athletic movement. A dog trainer will work to understand the animal's true nature in order to use that as a lever to create the outcome he or she is looking for.

It is the same with all things. If a person is thoughtful about what is working and what is not in terms of energy, it is easier to identify the appropriate fix.

If life is stagnant, initiate change. If it is chaotic, slow down and redirect it. If it is overwhelming, remove stimulus. Hopefully it sounds logical but it is more difficult to do than people imagine. Why? Because your reward system will be challenged if you are to do it successfully. You will have to give things up that you may believe yourself to be dependent on. Try it anyway and determine for yourself how much better life works when you manage the energy!

Seduction of Bad Decisions

2011-07-11T07:24:00.000-04:00

Leaders are often put in a position where they must make difficult decisions on the fly. Many of those decisions have the potential to derail the upward climb of the person making the decision. We have a naive expectation that those in power will make the RIGHT decision-do the RIGHT thing.We are often outraged when we find they did not.

Try to remember a circumstance in your own life where perhaps you bumped a car in a parking lot where no one was around, forgot to do something important for someone who trusted you, or did something inadvertently that set off a chain of reactions that were unexpectedly negative. Do you remember how instinctive it felt to do the EASY thing, hide the truth, or attempt to distance yourself from the situation that went bad?

Now, imagine that the stakes are much higher. Your career, personal worth, reputation are on the line. How low would you go to protect yourself and what you hold dear?

Even if you know that YOU would do the right thing, you simply cannot count on others to be equally strong. And you should not be surprised when they are not strong. Being judgmental of weakness in others is also unproductive and somewhat hypocritical unless you have been tested in a like situation.

It might be more productive to identify the skill set that enables some extraordinary people to wrestle with their conscious before they act. If we can follow those thought processes of the brave and ethical, we should teach and re-teach those thought processes to everyone.

Confronting a fear and working through the issue almost always creates a better outcome than sweeping it under the rug and acting as though nothing occurred. But, we need to learn that repeatedly before we trust it on the big issues, and even then, we will be challenged.

Many of the global challenges we are facing now are a natural result of the kind of fear that causes leaders to make really bad, short sighted decisions in order to protect something that might seem in retrospect to be inconsequential. The most important thing each of us can do to build a different kind of future is to learn how hard it is to be brave and to practice on the little things until we get it right.

Beware of Snarling Humans

2011-06-24T06:27:00.003-04:00

Have you noticed yourself backing down from needed confrontations because the other person is better at fighting than you are? Perhaps this person just want you to think so. Some people have learned to bark loudly and often as a way to intimidate others. That's how the person insures that he or she "gets her way."

How do you deal with a person who is nasty 'just because'?

Show no fear.
Be direct. Ask the person why he/she is behaving badly. For example: "Excuse me, why are you being so hostile? (That is generally a show stopper!) Practice on customer service people who are snippy.
Stick to the point. Do not let their response distract you.
If they escalate the behavior, end the discussion for the moment. Refuse to engage when the other person is acting out.
Talk to the person in private and suggest that the bad behavior is making him or her look bad.
Tell the person that you intend to finish the conversation one way or the other and ask the person why he or she is having such an emotional reaction.
LISTEN. You will often find the solution for the win win is in what the person tells you when you take the emotion out of it and get the person to explain.

failure

2011-05-24T09:13:00.000-04:00

We humans definitely have different ways of processing. There is a very long continuum in terms of how we individually process failure, for example.

On one end of the continuum is the person who does not believe he or she ever fails. This person simply sees setbacks as redirecting forces helping to determine what might be next on an ever-changing life's curriculum.

And then, there is the person who believes any obstacle is a disaster. Obviously this person sits at the opposite end of the continuum.

The challenge is to understand how your view might be making you take risks you should not or conversely, might be causing you to be risk averse when you need to shake things up.

Balance and sensitivity to "cause and effect" becomes your road map. When you are off-balance, the relationship between the cause of your imbalance and the effect (how you feel) will often be clarified by an examination of your views on failure.

If you are impervious to failure, you may find yourself in situations that challenge even your equanimity. You may need to tighten up, batten the hatches, and focus on what you need to regain the confidence and trust of others.

If you are mobilized by your fear of making a mistake, you may need to force yourself to take some chances and get more comfortable with the idea that no one gets it right all the time.

Even if you fall between the extremes, you will find that there are times where you need to move along the continuum one direction or another in order to move along in your life!

Controlling Your Dark Side

2011-05-16T14:03:00.001-04:00

We are facing difficult times and if the media is correct about such things as "debt ceilings" and "deficits" and "debt", it is about to get more difficult.You are likely to become fearful and to attempt to control everything to your specifications of safety and security. All well and good, until.....

The more afraid you become, the more likely that you might attempt to take short cuts. Our worst behaviors are generally a reflection of either our fear or our arrogance (both symptoms of our "dark side")

You may rationalize your behavior (did you really think the person fighting for property or children in a nasty divorce was justified?) Frankly, there is no justification for doing the wrong thing because someone else is doing something. However, there is a suitable logic to help you restrain yourself from acting on your "bad" impulses.

It does not work! There is a UNIVERSAL LAW that overrides all others. It is the Law of Cause and Effect. This law is about energy and it is similar to the law of physics that says "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction". Whatever you put out, will come back to you.

Do not become invested in judging the other person's behavior as a reason for adapting your own. Always do the "RIGHT" thing and trust that you will survive and thrive. It may seem more expedient in the moment to respond to the demands on you to protect your own position, but you do KNOW the difference between right and wrong.

Make your own study if you do not believe. Sometimes the bad guys do get ahead and get the best of you in the short term. But please, watch what happens over time, especially to yourself. Generally you will find that even your wins are tempered by their own dark side.

Too Dramatic?

2011-02-24T06:25:00.000-05:00

Remember, no one likes Drama. If you have a tendency to exhibit urgency, impatience, temper, or other significant symptoms of drama, you are probably losing your ability to influence. Most brains shut down when confronted with too much confrontation, exuberance, or emotion.

Why? It really doesn't matter why. What matters is that you lose your advantage the moment you show too much emotion. Others will use that emotional obviousness to their advantage.

Don't even attempt to rationalize your outbursts. No one cares about logic when faced with your emotional lack of control. You can be 100% right but that won't matter. Others (those you just might want to influence) will lose respect and their willingness to negotiate. (It is simply too much trouble.)

If you want to regain your edge, lose the drama. Focus on the issue and what you want to have happen. Be clever. Ask yourself very deliberately, "What do I want to have happen?" Then examine exactly which tactics are most likely to create that outcome (and whether or not you are having much success with your current tactics.)

Life is short. Pay attention to what is, and what is not, working!

How do you respond to crisis?

2011-02-17T06:26:00.001-05:00

Crisis is a personal word, defined by what you fear most. People have varying thresholds for crisis as you can easily observe. One person has a flat tire and is late for an important meeting, and that is a "crisis". They fret and swear and become difficult with the very people they need to help them solve the problem. Another person muses on fate and makes a late entrance with fabulous stories about their adventure.

Unfortunately, whatever your personal crisis, at whatever level of complexity and fear you operate, you will have a tendency to become very self absorbed. You may be unaware or completely insensitive to the fact that others are not in your crisis with you. They may see your "crisis" as relatively minor and wonder why you are having such a reaction. You may want them to react with a level of understanding, compassion, and intensity that you are feeling.

Slow down. Try to be objective and determine if this is really a crisis or simply a life changing event that can be maximized for its potential. Try to see yourself through the eyes of others and whether they might find your responses overkill for their perception of the issues.

AND, most importantly, as you take the time to understand this situation, spend the time to understand the issue from the point of view of others who are involved as well. Be very sure that you do not appear to be reacting from such a place of self that you are not inadvertently stepping on the feelings and needs of others.

Always remember that your crises are highly integrated into your belief systems about what matters, what is threatening and what is real in the world. When you find yourself immersed in the meaning of crisis, it is often productive to pull back and view it from a distance. Maybe it is not a crisis but a natural outcome of a life's journey toward some goal that you have not yet figured out.

Getting Underneath the Issue

2011-01-25T05:58:00.000-05:00

When someone says that another is "not engaged" or "lacks initiative", or is simply "ambivalent" about important things, it is usually productive to determine why. Generally conversations start and stop with these kinds of terms and the speakers throw up their hands as if the label is the answer to the question.

The label tells you nothing but the end result. What you are looking for is the cause. Lacking initiative for example, might indicate a low tolerance for risk taking. It could also be a clue to controlling behavior on the part of the labeler, indicating that the person has ceased taking initiative because it is a waste of time. It could also be a symptom of laziness, but certainly it is inappropriate to decide this is the case without a careful review.

Ambivalence is another often misunderstood symptom. The first reaction is to decide that the person is not invested and really does not care. It often however, is a symptom of powerlessness. The person may feel that any reaction on his or her part does not have any impact on the outcome.

Dive beneath the label to determine the real reason behind a behavior and you have a much higher probability of changing the outcome.

Are You Prepared for the Future?

2010-12-18T07:29:00.000-05:00

If you think a lot about security, be sure you are thinking correctly. Having a good job does not make you secure. You are not totally in control of whether you keep it. Having a pension plan or retirement fund does not make you secure. You have little control of the decisions others make unless you watch it constantly, and even then.....

What then? What will make you and your loved ones secure for the future? It starts with how you think about things. Begin with, "There is no such thing as security." Once we accept that fact we begin to create real security in our lives. Second, develop a philosophy for your life that trusts that everything that happens is loaded with opportunity for growth, change, redirection, and above all, a means to define your life moment to moment. If you try to control or resist what is happening, you may be missing the very things that set your life apart. You may miss the moments that bring you what you really need.

Stay focused on your SOUL when you make your decisions, NOT on SECURITY. Why? Because when you feed your soul, the rest will follow. You have an innate capacity to KNOW what is important for your future. When you ignore your inner voice by making fear-based decisions, you take yourself further and further from the path that creates the vital, fulfilling life. As you travel along the illusory path to security, you may be destroying your health, your will, your energy and your sense of belief in you. What then will you use to start over if you find that you were wrong to trust in a false God?

I'm listening to an audio version of "The Infidel"written and narrated by a Somalian woman who fought against the traditional understandings of security. She had observed women who believed that their security was based on the right marriage and handing the responsibility of their lives over to men. She had noted the outcome when on going civil war left these women desperately trying to survive with little or no preparation for doing so. When her father arranged a highly advantageous marriage to a wealthy man, she ran away, opening her life to uncertainty and dangers she had never been taught to anticipate. She thrived. When she had to explain her choices to a tribunal of elders, she attributed them to the demands of her soul. It was the only words she might have said that caused the elders to step back and treat her with respect rather than disdain.

Trust your Soul and you will have what you need when you need it. Ignore it, and you may get all you believe you need, but have little capacity to enjoy it.

Just Say "no" thankyou!

2010-11-27T07:21:00.003-05:00

The topic of Control Freaks remains the most often searched item bringing others to this blog. Perhaps we have an epidemic.

If the quality of your life is diminished by the insatiable needs of a control freak, assume that you are involved in this situation because you too have a problem. Control freaks attempt to control their environment and others because they are afraid. But the victim of a control freak is also afraid or he or she would not be a victim.

Control freaks actually train their victims. Each time the victim attempts to step out of the box, the control freak will make it so painful to do so that the person eventually loses the energy and the will to take the control freak on.

Are you trained? Examine your fears carefully. Perhaps confronting your fear is your first step. Are you afraid the person will leave you, fire you, beat you, or in some way make your life so miserable that you will regret attempting to defend yourself? Of course you are. That's what they do. You may care deeply for this person, and have empathy for their fears, but you still lose too much if you allow them to defeat your joy in life.

Once you look at what you fear, give it a number in terms of how much this person is ruining your life experience. If 10 is high and 1 is low, and you give it a 10, then re-examine your fear and decide if perhaps you are giving it too much control.

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When You Don't Know What to Do?

2010-11-02T06:25:00.000-04:00

I've said this before. When you are not sure what to do, sometimes the answer is to do nothing until you are sure.

That said, there are times when you simply have to choose.Doing nothing does not sit well and the issue keeps coming back. Here are some things which may help you to make the decisions that elude you:

Identify what it is you are afraid of (if you were not afraid of something, the decision would be easy).
Once you are clear about your fear, identify if there is a way to proceed and manage the risk that concerns you.

If you are afraid that you will not be able to control the situation, determine if there is some way that you can manage that lack of control.
If you are afraid that your decision will send mixed messages about what you stand for, identify ways to clarify your message and still proceed.
If you are afraid of showing your hand, ask what you gain by not doing so.
Are there advantages to showing your hand that you have not considered. Is the mystery helping you in any way.
If you are afraid of learning the truth, ask if there is an advantage to doing so that may be worth the risk.
Are you afraid to make decisions where you do not know how it will turn out?

Assume that your struggle is representative of a struggle in your life. Can you identify the nature of the struggle?
If you are in limbo, please note that sometimes it changes the nature of things simply to take the risk and step off whatever cliff you fear. You may get an answer you do not want, but you get an answer which allows you to move on.

What you see is what you get!

2010-10-10T05:04:00.000-04:00

Are you comfortable with the relationships in your life? If not, are you clear about what you are doing to create them?

Assume that you manifest your relationships. Meaning that you bring into your life exactly what you feel you deserve. If you are not getting what you want, ask yourself why you think you deserve to have less than you want.

Next question is, if you felt you deserved what it is that you want, how would you behave differently? How would you respond to those in your life who give you less?

Even if you feel less than confident about acting in a way that is consistent with what you want, try it out and see if you don't move the needle..

Think You are a Good Listener?

2010-09-25T06:48:00.001-04:00

People who are respectful and quiet when another person is speaking may pride themselves on being a good listener. If you believe yourself to be a good listener, consider the following:

If, as you listen you are considering your response, your attention is on you, not on the other person. They will feel that.
If the minute they are quiet, you tell them why they are wrong, they will not consider you a good listener.
If you are judging what they say as wrong and ill considered and dumb, you are a lousy listener.

Alternatives:

Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes and imagine how they feel. Assume that it is justified while you do so or it is useless as true listening.
Express your understanding of how the person feels without adding how you feel or what you believe.
Do NOT assume that you know what motivates the other person. Ask them. "Why did you feel that, think that, do that?" This is especially important when their behavior affects you. When you respond based on your assumptions, you will often be wrong.
Try to believe, when you are attempting to listen, that you are NOT the center of the Universe. I know it's hard, but just try.

Real listening goes beyond behavior. You must control your thoughts, judgments, and assumptions. The rewards to paying attention to these things are immediate!

Manage Your Emotions???

2010-09-10T06:12:00.002-04:00

Pretend for a moment that your effectiveness as a communicator is based on how well you manage your emotions. How do you do?

when you get angry, you go silent
when you get angry, you erupt (everybody knows you are angry)
when you are hurt, you pout
when you are hurt, you erupt
when you are attacked, you react instantly with aggressiveness
when you are attacked, you freeze
when someone wants to talk about how you make them feel, you retreat, shut down, deflect the conversation back to something they did or said
when conversation gets heavy, you change the subject, make jokes, run

Think about your life. If it is flowing and joyful, you probably don't need to change a lot. If you exhibit some of the above behaviors, you might want to determine whether they are helping you be more effective or getting in your way. Sign up for our newsletters if you want more ideas for alternatives!

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Inundated?

2010-08-03T05:32:00.003-04:00

We definitely have too much stimulus in our lives. How do we manage our accessibility (how easy it is for others to reach us via email, cell phones, etc) with our ability to process information? Especially if we are afraid of missing something!

It is not easy, but you MUST learn to do so if you are going to be effective (sane) in today's environment.

Here are a few rules to consider:

Do NOT give up your curiosity as an attempt to manage information flow. Stay open to new ideas, new thought processes etc.
Be more assertive about invasions. You can be nice AND say "no" to things that are not useful to you.
Be respectful of others and their boundaries. That is the first step to being treated with respect.
Don't hesitate to delete. If it was important, it will come back.
Pay attention when it comes back.

The most important thing you can do to protect your sanity is to protect your boundaries!

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Wanna Make a Big Splash?

2010-07-03T06:33:00.000-04:00

Think a lot about wanting to be the hero?

First, most of us who are even a little competitive think about the big win, hitting the ball out of the park, finding the new product that changes the future, etc. We look for the projects, assignments, career steps that will give us the opportunity to do what no one else can do.

Unfortunately, there is a hidden trap in that thinking.

It automatically sets us up to create less than optimal performance. Why?

Because you are thinking about and focused on the wrong things.

What happens is that your brain begins to relate to all opportunities in terms of what others will think. You start to evaluate and make decisions on which options and what choices will gain the approval of those whom you are trying to impress.

As a result, you are now thinking the way they are thinking which does two things to your performance.

First, it creates confusion for you. No longer are you operating from a clarity of what you know to be the right choice. You are attempting to filter your decisions based on what you believe the other person would think. If there is more than one in the audience you are trying to please, you will try to meet everyone's needs and the decisions will look as muddy as they really are.

Second, you are not using your own gifts, but instead trying to apply the gifts of others. First that is difficult to do since you never really know what they would do in your circumstance, but second, it diminishes your own UNIQUE contribution. How will you ever really hit it out of the park on your own if you are basing decisions on someone else's response to your choices?

Advice: test yourself constantly to see if you worry about what others will think when making decisions. Then ask yourself, if you did not worry about anyone else, what would you do in this circumstance? Then, act on your own response!

Angry?

2010-06-25T06:52:00.000-04:00

Did you ever hear the saying, "If you are angry with the whole world, it is probably you!"

Often, anger is a symptom. You may be ignoring your own inner voice telling you that something is wrong. If you can discover what it is, you may find that your peers, subordinates, and bosses begin to take on less malevolent forms.

For example, you may have been ready to move on from your job for a long time. You might however, feel overwhelmed at the concept of job hunting and are therefore talking yourself into being content (?) where you are.

Or, you may be dissatisfied with some aspect of your personal life, and unwilling to deal with it directly. Your frustration is spilling out onto many of the mundane things which would not bother you normally.

You may be dealing with a rather large, life's issue. For example, if you find yourself highly judgmental of everyone around you, you may need to examine a belief system that allows for no weaknesses.

When Professional Turns Personal

2010-06-21T15:28:00.000-04:00

It is so easy to have a professional situation become complicated by your emotions. It would be wonderful if you could remain detached but you are after all, human.

How do you know if you have crossed the line into taking it personally? That part is easy. If you have any emotion regarding the situation, you have put yourself at a disadvantage. If you are angry, frustrated, sad, righteous, or insecure, your position will be weakened.

What's the alternative? Curiosity. Problem solving mode. Distance. Objectivity.

Suppose you think that you are detached. There are some behaviors that may prove that you do not know yourself very well. For example, if you are arguing, defensive, arrogant, rigid, stubborn, whining, etc., you will have a hard time convincing anyone that you are detached. Fool yourself but you fool no one else!

Freedom and risk taking

2010-06-14T18:28:00.002-04:00

If freedom could be attributable to attitude, perhaps one could say that a tolerance for risk is a key element to a person's sense of freedom.

A person's sense of freedom is not just a tolerance for taking risk. Freedom comes from an ability to take risks with judgment. (The risk has to have a good return!) Judgment is an ability to make a decision or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely. Good judgment also reflects discretion and good sense. Freedom, in our definition here, does not occur when the leader is taking indiscriminate actions causing more problems than positive results.

Often, the really superb leader is a person who does not perceive what he or she is doing as risky. The powerful leader knows what is being attempted will work. He or she has weighed the negative consequences and dismissed them either because the consequences are tolerable or because the potentially negative repercussions of the decision will probably not be realized. The tolerance for what others perceive as risky is much greater because the highly effective person has factored the consequences of not taking the action into the equation and has decided the greater risk is not to act.

Control and the upward climb

2010-06-02T15:21:00.005-04:00

As we get older, we often find that the plans of our youth are replaced with a more flexible acceptance that sometimes, life happens to us. That does not mean that we can't plan and adapt our visions, but it does mean that at some point most of realize that we are not really in control.

Here is a controversial thought. Over time, those who continue to believe that they are in control of their own destiny through planning and setting goals, may be among the most ruthless and lacking in principle among us. Beware. I said "may be", not "are".

Why?

Because if that devotion to a plan disregards the needs of others as you attempt to work your will, you may be in for some rude awakenings down the line. The more “in control” you are, the more it is likely that there are others around you who have suffered for your control. There is usually an equalizing of the energy in any system over time. The consequences of not understanding this can be tough...

Before you completely discard this thought, look for evidence of its truth.

This concept of "control" is part of the book "Perfect Speed". To read more: Perfect Speed

Confrontation: Having the Tough Conversations

2010-05-06T07:14:00.003-04:00

Many of us think that GRACE means always being polite. We never rock the boat, make people uncomfortable (even when they have NO trouble making us uncomfortable), or call out the bad behaviors of others. Being a "good girl" or "good boy" has been drilled into us. It has become who we are. We are easy to be around, always willing to take on the next burden, and never lash out at those who offend us.

That's not GRACE.

Do you think a ballerina or bullfighter become graceful without STRENGTH? TRAINING? TENACITY? TOUGHNESS?

Leadership GRACE is evolved. Learning to never be afraid to speak the truth, hear the truth and respond with fairness and courage are prerequisites to GRACE.

The tough conversations do not need to be crude or violent. They do need to take place. GRACE is observed when a person seems to do that with EASE and DIGNITY.

So, do not be a NAMBY PAMBY as the judge on Boston Legal would say. Say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done.

For more specific ideas on HOW read this previous blog: Confronting with GRACE

Quote from I Ching

2010-04-19T09:01:00.001-04:00

I Ching Hexagram:
43: Determination

"The persistence of negativity, which is that which opposes the good, is a constant in human affairs. Just when it is thought to have been eradicated, up it will pop again, sprouting through some crack in the pavement of civilized society. Evil need not take dramatic or extravagant forms, such as those exhibited in Nazi Germany. Garden-variety lies and deceit are much more common and persistent, but should be rooted out just as diligently. One must be determined to not accidentally feed negativity — either in one's social or professional life, or in one's own soul. In either case, definite rules must be followed for the struggle to succeed.

The first rule: do not compromise with evil. Destructive or exploitive actions must be identified openly for what they are, and discredited.
The second: one cannot successfully resist negativity on its own terms. New, positive alternatives that lead away from the source of the problem are generally more successful, and appropriate than trying to counter negativity with raw power.
The third rule: the means used to counter negativity must be consistent with the end to be achieved. One cannot stop the spreading of lies by spreading more of them."

Feel as Though Someone Is Out to GET You?

2010-03-23T05:54:00.000-04:00

If you feel it, it may be true. Do not discount your intuition.

How do you respond? Carefully. Sit in the weeds and observe for a while. Be certain that your instincts are correct before you decide what to do about it. If you decide that you are not being paranoid and that the person is in fact, determined to hurt you in some way, try to identify why. What is it they gain by taking you down. Is it ego? Is it simple mean-spirited jealousy? Righteousness? Material gain?

Sometimes, not always, the best response is to do nothing. For example, suppose that the person does something to deliberately provoke you. Naturally you are entitled to respond. However, once you do, it often escalates, which is probably not what you want. Quite often, the person is not trying to provoke you at all. You may be sensitive and take it that way and you are suddenly in the middle of something you helped create.

That is the key to determining your response. Decide what it is that you want as a result.

Example: There is a person in our sport facility who constantly "tattles" on other members. It seems that she can hardly wait to report to the owners of the facility if someone breaks a rule. The most recent case was a visitor to the facility let her dog out of the car briefly. She was a guest of another member. Rather than warn the visitor that dogs must be on a leash, it was less than several minutes before the owners received a call and the member who invited the guest, reported. If the members respond by isolating her or doing anything to reflect their anger, it looks like a cat fight and everybody looks bad. If they ignore her behavior, she looks petty and stands alone in her bad behavior.

In the business world where the stakes are often high, sabotage and jealousy are common. Understanding what motivates another person's "ill will" is often perplexing, but if you in fact sense that you are a victim, be thoughtful about what you do.

There are some things you may want to factor into your decisions:

Never make a decision to try to take another person down. It is bad energy and generally will reflect poorly on you. Even if they deserve it, you do NOT want to be the person responsible for another person's pain. You gain absolutely nothing, even if you think that you are right.
Try to set boundaries around yourself and protect yourself without going to that place of wanting to "get even".
One of the best ways to defend yourself is to make sure that that the other person's moves (as well as your own) are public. Attempt to make everything occurring transparent. Sometimes that means involving HR in the discussions, etc.. Try not to "get even" by talking behind their back, saying negative things on a 360, or anything that might be construed as sneaky or powerless.
Don't bother defending yourself to your attacker. If the person is truly coming from a negative place, they will ignore your defense completely.
If you cannot walk away from the fight (often the best defense) continually examine your motives. BE RUTHLESS with yourself in not allowing any motives that are about "getting even". That will only cause you more grief. This is not easy to do and most of us bear the scars of having been seduced into the fight and having our anger backfire on us.

We are all human and being attacked is always unsettling. Having another person actively pursuing or wishing for your downfall is something that mystifies most people. It is natural to feel backed into defending yourself out loud, but again, it usually does not work. The other person is not interested in your defense and you are likely to get more frustrated by trying to do so than you will be by stepping back and allowing the other person to reveal an agenda.

When You Ask for Feedback

2010-03-03T17:33:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, for whatever reason, you might ask others for feedback. Good idea, generally speaking. Here is the caveat. You must stay clear headed about what you hear.

Why? Because I have seen really good people take the feedback they receive as if the other person is perfectly qualified to give it to them. This is not always the case.

Suppose you get feedback that feels devastating. You never saw it coming, never expected to hear what you heard, and absolutely hate it that others think of you in this way.

Slow down. Maybe they don't. You might just have asked someone who happens to have another agenda. This person is attempting to influence you in a specific direction or might even have an ax to grind.

Whatever you hear must resonate with what you know to be true. Sorry, but without even asking for feedback, we generally know our weaknesses and our flaws. If it does not resonate, be curious and ask for more information including examples. Do not get defensive but do not under any circumstances, own something which is not true. You are better off saying nothing than responding to bogus feedback in a way that validates what the other person is saying.

For example, a person asking for feedback was given the feeling that others did not believe that she would stand up for members of the team. This person had never thought that others would think she was weak, and the truth was the other person had no information to indicate this. The other person was simply setting her up to be sure to defend him if the occasion arose-as it most surely did soon after he delivered the feedback.

Take feedback as a tool, but be careful about allowing others to attempt to define you through their feedback. Give no one the right to do so who has not earned it and earned your respect!

Overwhelmed?

2010-02-17T06:29:00.000-05:00

Do you ever get so overwhelmed that you are short of breath and just cannot shake the feeling that you are on the edge of a precipice? (or a mountain?)

If so, there are some immediate things you can do to regain your composure. (If it goes on or reoccurs, get a professional counselor to help you dig for the cause!)

Make a list of the things bothering you and look at it intuitively for the ones causing the most stress-you might get surprised at what emerges!
Once you find it, ask yourself what you need to do to feel better about the issues.
If there is nothing to be done, try to remember that you cannot work your will, which means that there is a greater WILL than yours in charge. Trust it. Look for the presents that are sure to be there.
Find your favorite books that give you peace of mind, and dive back into them.
Find a way to walk away for a while. Take a weekend trip, go get a message, take a walk, leave the situation for a time so you can come back fresh.
Try to remind yourself that there is meaning in everything. Look at the moment as a chain of events starting before it became so stressful. Is there a path that can help you find what you are supposed to see?
Whatever the situation, no matter how sad, or how stressful, it will pass. If it is self-created (you are stressing about something you cannot control), the sooner you accept that you cannot control it, the sooner you get the relief of letting go.

Held Hostage?

2010-01-26T05:05:00.003-05:00

Too often we find ourselves in situations with people who take advantage of our good nature, generosity, or inability to confront inappropriate demands and behaviors. They threaten us, overtly or subtly, with some consequence if we do not continue to respond to their demands. They will leave, fire us, nag us, take something away we want, make our lives miserable, etc. if we do not give them what they feel they deserve.

Examine your life for the areas where you are "hostage". Examine the issue for the "bait". What is it that they are threatening you with or that you believe you will lose if you stand up for yourself? Is it worth it? Are you getting a fair return on the energy and peace you are sacrificing?

They have you in a form of a prison. Freedom is a state of mind as much as it is a supporting infrastructure. Find a way to let go of the bait if at all possible. Do you really need it enough to give up your freedom? Are you not being creative enough in how you look at escaping the bonds? Often, when we examine the "bait" carefully, we realize that letting go of it offers other freedoms we did not realize we had given up.

Never hesitate to seek professional help. A trained, objective outsider may be just what you need to see the windows when you see walls and bars.

Are We Too Soft?

2010-01-10T05:57:00.003-05:00

Does anybody remember when we used to put our clothes on the bathroom heater to warm them before we hurried into them in the mornings? My heat went out over the coldest weekend this year, and I found myself dressing in the bathroom in the part of the house that still had heat.

I haven't done that since I was a child. I wonder why not? When my parents kept the heat in the 50s at night we did not even think that we would one day run out of oil. We do now, and yet it has been a lot of years since I have gotten dressed in the bathroom. And I'm conservative. My friends all think that I keep the house way too cold (60-62). I tell them I "keep better" that way. I say it in jest, but I have noticed that cut flowers last longer, I get sick less often than my friends, and in general, I feel winter less harshly than others do.

I have gotten quite used to the colder temperatures. I walk into a home that is heated to 70 degrees and it feels suffocating to me. Since my heat went out, I have started turning my heat down to 58 at night. Why not? Why did I not do it sooner?

So many work with personal trainers in order to push themselves further than they might on their own. Why don't we examine all of the ways we have become "entitled" and begin to push ourselves in those areas? We have gotten so accustomed to things being a certain way that we don't even realize how spoiled we are.

Is it any wonder that people in other parts of the world wonder if we have lost touch? Perhaps we have.

Coping with LOSS

2009-12-30T06:22:00.000-05:00

How do you deal with the unimaginable?

A friend of mine lost her son right before Christmas. He was a relatively young man (32) and his death was completely unexpected. In fact, in her words, it seemed that life was finally coming together for him. Why now?

She has predictably faced moments of overwhelming grief which she was sure she would not survive. But there has been a wonderful thread weaving through her journey that is worth sharing.

In between the moments of despair, she and her family have chosen to celebrate. They start from an assumption that life is perfection as opposed to chaos. They remember this young man with all of his gifts and flaws and assume that he chose the absolute perfect moment to leave.

And then, they look at the entire context of his life as if it were a wonderful mystery to be solved. Why was this the perfect moment? What lay behind and in front that made this the time for him to leave? Not just for him - it was easy to identify that he was going out on a high in a life that had many big challenges in the future. But why, if life is perfect, was this the exact moment in the trajectory of all of their lives that made this PERFECT?

Among the many insights, they are discovering that his death has brought them all (including him) much closer together. Without the tension of worry over his sometimes self destructive choices, they are once again recovering his magic. They are appreciating him and each other in unprecedented ways.

Often these insights and understandings come long after the intervention in Life that we call death. What a wonderful experience to watch these courageous people discovering these gifts in the moment when they need them most.

Elusive "Trust"

2009-12-11T05:48:00.001-05:00

Many of us have the wrong idea about trust. We tend to believe that others owe us a certain kind of behavior and if they fail to deliver, loss of trust is the consequence.

No one will ever deliver our expectations 100% of the time. The issue is not whether another person constantly measures up. The real issue behind trusting another is in understanding (and trusting) their core essence.

You must determine if this is a person of courage, integrity, and basic moral strength. If you believe that they are, then you must give them the benefit of the doubt when your fears are raised for some reason. If they are not strong with the courage to do the right thing in tough circumstances, then you probably would be wise to insulate yourself against their choices.

Take it one step further. If this person does not have a strong core, this is probably NOT someone you should allow into your inner circle.

Message: Do not be naïve. We usually have enough information to act wisely.

It's Not Over 'Till It's Over!

2009-11-25T06:52:00.003-05:00

Trying to end a relationship (professional or personal)? Beware of your own confusion. You may be absolutely certain that it's over, only to find yourself re-opening the door, again and again.

Does that make you weak, duplicitous, indecisive? Not necessarily. It may mean you are simply not finished with the purpose of the relationship in your life. It may mean that the void you create is simply too frightening to contemplate.

A little advice.

Be aware that the certainty you feel in one moment may pass. Be careful not to back yourself into corners until you are completely willing to take the consequences.
Be kind to YOU. If you cave and go back, don't beat yourself up. You were not finished.
Try not to allow your mood swings drive your behavior. If you have ended a relationship and you find yourself suddenly panicking, do not act. Slow down and explore "why" very carefully.
Remember that whatever action you have already taken was probably necessary. The relationship was NOT working or you would not have done it. At the very least, it needed a serious intervention or it would have continued on the path it was on. If the intervention causes the other side to change, or even attempt to change, then it was an important step. If it causes them to go away, then they were meant to go away.
You cannot make a mistake. Imagine that! If it went away, it was meant to go away. Get on with your life and don't spin your energy wondering if you did the wrong thing. If it is meant to be, or not yet finished, it will come back. Why don't you simply wait and see what the Universe has in mind.

It's a relatively simple plan. People come and go in our lives based on who we are and who we become. The people who surround you are a reflection of who you are right now. When they cease to fit who you are, you let them go. Not before. Not one instant too late or too soon.

It is we who make the plan complicated by our self doubt. But, that in itself is a reflection of who we are in the moment. Total perfection. Relax with it!

Don't let your "hates" define you!

2009-11-12T10:42:00.001-05:00

Feel bad because you hate detail work? Think you are selfish because you react badly to homeless people? Do you hate public speaking?

Try not to define yourself by what you hate. We are all here with different purposes. If there are those situations/people that repel you, try to determine what attracts you.

For example, if the seriously ill repel you, but you are infinitely curious about the mind and how it addresses emotional issues, perhaps you are not here to heal the physically ill. Your role might be to work with the mind. The fact that you cannot stomach one thing may be less important than what you can stomach.

Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?

2009-10-31T06:24:00.002-04:00

Are you tired of being too often engaged in battle? Does it seem that friction dominates your life? Are you assuming that you are a victim?

After all, you were so careful to choose your words in a way you hoped would deflect the issue rather than make it worse. And yet, worse it got, as Yoda might say.

The issue is that few people understand that communications actually happen at the feeling level. Whatever you are feeling is what will be communicated (even in writing). No matter how sophisticated you are with words, you will indicate what you feel by tone, word patterns and nuances that are subtle yet powerful. If you are resenting the need to explain yourself, what you will communicate is resentment. If you feel smarter or superior, the other person will feel that. Never assume that you are the "good guy" because you said all the right things and the other person still had a bad reaction.

There are two problems. The first problem is that sophisticated communicators are often mystified by why their carefully chosen words are offensive. They get in more trouble because they get very stuck in being "right" in the interaction, as opposed to owning what they were actually feeling (and therefore, communicating.)

The second problem is that few people take the time to manage their own intent. They are so busy being clever and winning that they forget to examine what they should want. They don't make the effort to step back and ask what the most ideal outcome of their communication could and should be.

It's very possible that you are being narcissistic. You are absorbed in your side of the issue with an inability to really understand what the other person is reacting to and feeling. If you really want to be successful as a communicator, try intending to create outcomes that actually matter instead of trying to win.

Remember Who You Are!

2009-10-24T07:39:00.002-04:00

Nope, it is definitely not over yet. Although the senior leaders of the financial companies that got us into this mess in the first place are receiving large bonuses, the rest of us are still feeling an economy that is frozen in retraction mode. We are not stupid and we "get it" that these leaders have learned nothing from the debacle.

So what do we do? Lay low. Why? Because if we overreact to symptoms of recovery, we know at an intuitive level that we will get whacked again.

Is that the right answer? Who knows? It is simply what we are doing.

It is important, however, that as you go through this moment in time you do not lose sight of who you are and what you are capable of. Try not to allow the times to make you feel powerless and inadequate. Be ready to pounce when the time feels right!

More Revelations about You!

2009-10-13T06:16:00.001-04:00

A few weeks ago I posted "What Your Calendar Reveals". There is a longer version of that article on Ezinearticles.com and a link on this blog if you care to read it.

There are other things you do that tell others a lot about who you are and your leadership style.

Let's take the issue of email for example.

Here are some signals you may be inadvertently sending:

Do you sometimes file emails requesting information, intending to get back to them later?
Are you religious about doing so?
Do you determine whether you want to respond in the moment and choose to ignore some?
If you know that you do not have time or the inclination to respond to the person's request for information, do you tell them that they cannot count on you, or do you leave them to figure that out for themselves?
When you decide what you will respond to and what you will not, do you decide based on their relative importance in the food chain?
Do you promise contact and then not deliver because the issue is no longer important to YOU?

Remember that at the other end of that email is someone waiting for a response. As they wait and wonder, they are also reacting.

The above responses to email are all symptoms of how you view the world. You are not invisible. Yes, you get a lot of email. Everyone does. Keep in mind however that every decision you make is a Communication. If you choose not to respond to some issues or some people, you are sending them a message. You are saying, quite clearly, "You simply are not important enough to me to respond." or "I would rather avoid this issue for the moment." Either interpretation leaves the other person with a decision.

They are deciding how they feel about you, whether they respect you or not, whether you are quite possibly too disorganized to be effective, etc. They are deciding who you are as a Leader.

Make sure that you are sending the message you want to send in terms of your vision of yourself. There is no common sense in telling the world that you are simply not up to the task.

Give Yourself Points for Showing Up!

2009-10-04T05:57:00.001-04:00

Absolutely every human knows what it feels like to be afraid. The issues are different and the degree of fear a person feels are variable, but fear is a familiar emotion to most.

The manifestations of fear are also variable. Some bluster, others retreat. Controlling behavior is a very common symptom.

Two subjects which may be relevant:

1. Have you ever noticed how some blood lines in horses, dogs, cats, etc, exhibit similar fear-based responses? Why should it be different with humans? Perhaps your fears are part of a genetic pattern that makes controlling them more difficult than simply deciding to do so.

2. Being aware of your fear based patterns is a key to managing them. Often they play in the background, controlling your behaviors without revealing their true nature.

If you should discover that many of your choices are directed by fear, do not lose heart. This is probably true for most people. The ones who win are the ones who show up every day in spite of their fears. Successful people push themselves forward, finding increments that allow them to chew their fears into bite size pieces.

The big winners simply ignore their fear and push on regardless. Don’t assume that they have no fear. They may fear different things than you fear, but if you are alert you will see their weak spots.

Instead of berating yourself for being afraid, try to pay attention to how much you accomplish in spite of it.

What Your Calendar Reveals

2009-09-08T15:54:00.003-04:00

Do you think of yourself as a machete swinging pirate?

Your calendar may give you away! If you run from one meeting to the next, never have a minute to catch your breath, and feel like a victim of circumstance over which you have no control, it is YOU!

Here are some things your schedule (and how you keep it) may say about who you really are:

You do not know how to say "No".
You do not know how to set priorities.
You are filled with a sense of self importance.
You do not believe others are capable of functioning properly without you.
You have done a lousy job of choosing your team, and are therefore afraid to delegate.
You are simply afraid to delegate.
You are a control freak who cannot accept or allow decisions to be made that you are not a part of. Notice the word "accept". Remember the kid at school who always had to have everything his/her way?
You are afraid others will get ahead of you if you are not there to protect your interests.
You change your calendar based on whomever is more important, thus forcing everything else to move around constantly.

Perhaps there are good reasons why your schedule is crazy. In your delusional world, you may be thinking that you are doing the right thing by being accommodating. Instead, you might look at it the way others will often see it:

1. You cannot be trusted
2. You have no spine.
3. You are more interested in your career than you are in managing your role.
4. You lack personal power.
5. You are disorganized and inefficient.
6. You are disrespectful (you make commitments but then do not keep them or move them if someone more important asks for your time.)

It simply does not matter what you think about why things are out of control. If they are, you are the only one who can stop it.

Do You Have The Staying Power?

2009-08-18T15:39:00.003-04:00

Perhaps you are dealing with a bad leader and you know that this person is pointing the organization the wrong way. His or her actions will disrupt or destroy any forward momentum.

During hard times, bullies tend to bluster and pretend they know the answer. They are fully prepared to let the organization falter as long as they sustain their own sense of self and image. Many good, strong leaders get caught in the mess left behind. They decide not to "take it" any more.

Caution!

Don't start anything you cannot finish!If you are resisting the direction set by someone who really does not know what he or she is doing, beware of beginning the dance without the energy to complete it.

If you are angry and upset, think very carefully about the chain you might unleash by your response. You may be right about your reaction, you may even be correct in refusing to get rail-roaded, but be sure you are ready to follow through.

If you make a decision to resist someone's attempt to bully or control you, be sure that you can handle step 2, 3 and 4. Many people start out with lots of determination, but lose their nerve when the bully comes back, again and again. Whenever you start, be prepared to fight it all the way through.

Never assume that you first step will be the last. Are you prepared for the escalation that is inevitable when you take on the bully? Bullies never give up easily. It is not in their nature.

Once you are very clear about the nature of the battle that you are about to enter, go for it! More of the good guys NEED to win.

Tired of the endless debates?

2009-07-30T17:22:00.001-04:00

Too much talk, not enough action?

Look for the following clue:

Are people jumping to conclusions without defining the problem, clearly determining cause, and setting criteria for the solution? If so, you can get things on track by stepping back and asking people to go through the steps in sequence.

No solutions until we've done our homework, please.

Sucked Back?

2009-07-11T06:14:00.001-04:00

Here is a little bit of Universal Wisdom learned from my favorite critters. Imagine for a moment that you are riding a difficult horse. When horses want to be difficult they may try to buck you off, rear, go sideways instead of forward, or even at times, go backwards. In other words, any where but where you want them to go.

There is one response to all the issues. Let go of trying to get them to go exactly where you want them to go. No matter what, push them to move in a forward direction, any forward direction. Once you have the energy moving forward it is much easier to steer.

Business stalled? Look for any momentum and go with it, even if it is not the direction you hoped for. Do not allow yourself to be "sucked back" because you feel as though you are out of control. That is the one thing that will absolutely ensure that you lose control.

Career stuck. Do the same. Don't try to steer. Just find windows where you can perform and do so.

If this seems ill advised or trite, apply it to any situation. Simply do not allow things to stagnate. Sometimes you may start a rollercoaster ride by your actions, or end up somewhere not anticipated, but it is much more stimulating than allowing things to atrophy a little at a time. (Remember General Motors)

Show Biz vs Substance

2009-07-05T07:36:00.001-04:00

Looking for help?

It seems to me that we sometimes have trouble differentiating good marketing from substance.

Just because a person is well known and has achieved the title “guru”, don’t lose your own sense of what is valuable and what is not. Many who are considered “gurus” are simply well-branded, well-marketed "personalities".

Too many people lose their confidence when it comes to choosing any product or service. They fall into trusting what is known, or what they think others will approve of, as opposed to making savvy decisions based on what works or what resonates. I wonder if that makes them “sheep”?

You Can't Fix "Selfish"!

2009-06-24T14:13:00.001-04:00

Trying to make a decision? Sometimes we invest in people in our personal and professional lives who simply are not worth it. How do you know whether you are dealing with one of "those"?

Of course, this is just a theory. My theory. There are givers and there are takers. If you are dealing with a taker, hopefully it is one with a sense of fair play. If not, my advice would be to RUN!

Self-absorbed people can appear to be interested in you and your well being. How they act over time is the reality. Do they follow through with their promises, commitments, expressions of concern? If not, they will drain you. It is highly probable that you will turn into someone you do not like as you plead, beg, fight to be heard. There is no other outcome if you stay attached.

Your choice.

Now you know.

When You Know You Were Wrong!

2009-06-22T06:26:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, we get that creepy feeling that we overreacted, were too intense with our communication, or were just plain were mistaken in our assumptions. Or perhaps we know that we did not give 100% effort to a project or a commitment we have made.

Most common behavior: act surprised when someone notes our mistake. Attempt to shift the blame to something the other person did or said.

Big Mistake! Why? Because you fool no one. By not acknowledging the behavior you cause a deepening of the mistrust. What is the consequence of that? Hard to say, but there will be consequences.

Correct response: Admit that you overreacted, under responded, were incorrect. Why? Because it begins a much healthier dialog with the other person. Because the other person will feel as if they have been heard. Because if you do not, the other person is now in the process of disengaging from the relationship. It may take days, months or even years, but they are moving away from you. You have made it clear that you do not intend to "own" your behavior which leaves the other feeling as though nothing they do will make any difference in the quality of the relationship. You are clearly more invested in being right than in being honest!

2nd Guessing?

2009-06-11T19:17:00.003-04:00

Are you ever guilty of complaining about decisions already made by others? Not only is it a waste of time, but it also really makes YOU look bad.

What if you are right? What if it was a really bad decision?

Doesn't matter. It still makes YOU look bad.

Why? Because it is too late. There is nothing good that comes of the noise you are making. And, everyone knows that. So, instead of making you look smart, it makes you look petty, belligerent, and depending on the circumstances, disloyal.

When you are tempted, RESIST!

Waste NOT!

2009-06-01T14:52:00.001-04:00

Unhappy with your current job/position/company? Assume that you want to do something very different in order to be satisfied?

That's where many of us get stuck. The need for change is off set by the complexities of what that means. Does it mean starting over? How will we know what the right thing is? After all, weren't we wrong before?

Do you remember when you loved what you were doing? Or, at least when you thought you would? Perhaps you developed a skill set and credentials to go along with that initial sense that "this" was right for you.

Assume for a moment that nothing is wasted. Every effort, lesson, credential is still important to whatever you do next. The criterion for the change is not that it be different (as much as you may feel that right now), but that it fulfills you. Assume that, other than the negative experience you now have, everything you have done and are doing will apply to what you do next. It simply must change form enough to eliminate the negative. You WILL love it again when the negative is removed!

Make a list of all your skills.
Make a list of the things you remember that you loved to do.
Add the things you still like.

Pretend that there is a perfect job with your name on it that is still in the same field/industry/area of expertise that you now engage in. But, assume that its form is different, more satisfying, and much more suited to who you are. Know that it will utilize everything you have learned to do and that you will not have wasted one moment doing the wrong thing.

Ask yourself what you are still learning that you need to learn. Learn it so that you can move on.

Damage Control

2009-05-28T06:56:00.001-04:00

How do you know when it is time to react and when to lay low?

Actually, it should be a logical decision. Unfortunately, too often we make it an emotional choice.

You will probably make your own rules about this, but the following thoughts may be helpful:

When you have exhausted your ideas of how to get through to the others involved, it may mean that you need to get more creative (or more clear) in your communications.
Be sure to evaluate both pros and cons. Give credit to the others for their positive contributions and weigh them against your disappointments before you decide how to handle things.
When you become clear that their basic make-up is the inhibiting factor, and that there is no chance that it will change, you may need to cut bait and run.
When the circumstances are such that you will continually lose position by hanging on, and their make up is the inhibiting factor, pull the plug sooner rather than later.
When the decision is unclear because you care about the other person, don’t want to hurt them, don’t want to disappoint them, the rules are still the same. If you are continuously losing the power to react, you may want to take control of your destiny sooner rather than later. It gets harder, not easier to move or, your anger builds and destroys what you are trying to protect anyway.
Examine for a moment, your own dignity in the situation. Does it serve you to continue on with the situation, or is this one where you need to release what holds you and act in a way that says that you deserve to be treated with respect.

Myths About Climbing the Food Chain!

2009-05-19T06:38:00.002-04:00

Yesterday one of my very high level female clients was sharing a list of key bullets a group had come up with for helping women be more effective in progressing their careers. Often a part of my work is to un-educate my clients in these same myths. (By the way, I believe the advice given in these bullets is wrong for men as well as women.)

Let me start with two that struck me particularly.

You must do things to bring attention to yourself and your work.
You must learn to be political.

Have you ever noticed how you react to people trying to bring attention to themselves and their work? Outcomes tend to be loss of trust, suspicion about your agenda, creating more opportunities to embarrass yourself in front of others, and a lot of energy focused on the wrong things.

Being politically savvy is more subtle. It can never hurt to understand how the wind is blowing. However, people who make their decisions and communications about the politics of the situation are rarely the kind of people who should be trusted. This is a decision you must make about who you want to be. When career progression becomes more important than authenticity, you are placing your long-term vision of yourself in grave jeopardy. Ultimately, I believe you are also placing your long-term career in jeopardy. (I have observed people, men and women, using the above two behaviors to get noticed and to advance, only to reach the top and fall very hard because they have not truly evolved the confidence and wisdom to sustain their perch once they attain it.)

Advice: spend your energy doing your job really well, learning everything you can learn about life, and then recognize that you should not get trapped by assuming that you must be successful in this organization with this particular set of leaders. Think long-term. Design your agenda to become an extraordinary, confident, wise and humble leader. When you bump up against the politics, challenge yourself to become a more effective influencer rather than trying to please people. Learn patience. Leadership is really about preparation, not status.

Ride ‘em like you stole ‘em

2009-05-10T08:00:00.003-04:00

Cowboys again.. Compelling people. Why? Attitude!

Tough times? Act with confidence, daring, audacity, and even shameless sassiness if you must.

If you can’t do it, hang with people who can. They are way more fun, and much more likely to change reality!

Check out: "Get yourself a cowboy" in our archives. Click here: http://shortcutstograce.blogspot.com/2008/07/get-yourself-cowboy.html

Control Freak or Boundary Setter?

2009-05-04T10:56:00.004-04:00

The topic of control freaks is our most often searched blog. This compelling topic is apparently an issue world-wide. There is a nuance to this issue which deserves to be explored. The question which must be asked is, “Are people who are healthy at setting personal boundaries sometimes considered control freaks?”, and “How would you know the difference between a healthy response and one which appropriately fits the title ‘control freak’?”

Here are some guidelines which might be helpful:

1. Control freaks rarely care about the impact of their demands on the other person. Getting their way is far more important than fairness.
2. Control freaks attempt to compel the other person to his or her expectations. They may use force, or threats to achieve their comfort zone.
3. Control freaks tend to escalate their behaviors if they do not get the response they seek.
4. Control freaks tend to escalate their behaviors even if they do get their way. They get what they want and then they want more. Feeling safe in an unsafe world is the objective.
5. Healthy people have learned to quickly recognize the difference between the potential of a relationship, personal or professional, and reality.
6. Healthy people do not spin their energy trying to change the other person or to make that person conform to their idea of what is right.
7. A healthy person has learned what behaviors cause him or her to lose a sense of perspective or balance. They do not berate themselves for what they feel.
8. Instead, they are deliberate and careful about identifying their boundaries around those behaviors which are stressful. While respectful of the right of others to set boundaries, they are clear about their own.
9. Healthy people do not argue endlessly about the rightness of their point of view. They offer their desires as a choice. The other person has the choice to refuse.
10. If a healthy person finds that the other person does not care to respond to his or her needs, the healthy person makes a decision, hopefully quickly and without a lot of pain. It takes strength and courage to know when to walk away as opposed to trying to force the other person or people to accommodate. (Think about the cost of keeping an employee who simply refuses to accommodate the boundaries of the organization or his/her boss. How many arguments, threats, and warnings should you tolerate before parting ways? Let go and move on!)

Healthy people have a firmness about them that is often intimidating to others. This does not make them controlling or control freaks as long as they do not try to force others to do what they want and need, but instead simply accept or decline the presence of others in their lives based on their boundaries. Indeed, they do seem to be in control, but not of other people. They are in control of themselves.

Are You Looking for the Clues?

2009-04-23T13:25:00.003-04:00

Crisis almost always come with warnings; many warnings. By the time you are experiencing/describing events as a crisis, you have probably ignored a multitude of indicators that you are on the wrong path, heading for disaster.

So, let's pretend for a moment that you have missed those little warning signs and you are hip-deep in a "crisis". Those clues you probably missed are still useful. Ignore them at your own risk.

Take a deep breath and review. Go back over everything that comes to mind that may have impacted your current circumstance. In particular, take note of those incidents or choices that you actually had control over that you might have been done differently, had you realized where you were headed.

Now, in the midst of your situation, look at the missed sign posts without blame or regret. Instead, ask if they are pointing you toward something (or away from something.) Try to view them as if they were a part of a larger mystery that reflected an attempt to guide your life.

Even now, in the midst of a crisis, the clues may be your path out.

Lose Sight-Lose the Fight

2009-04-12T06:56:00.005-04:00

What follows is the number 1 axiom for the Fighter Pilot engaged in air to air combat. These axioms are completely relevant for coping with a tough economy. You simply need to translate them into your world. There are two more already posted on this blog, so be sure to scroll down.

A fighter pilot engaged in combat must keep his/her head. The first rule is to always keep the other guy in sight. The rule: Lose Sight=Lose the Fight.

Losing the fight is losing your life.

Back to the rest of us. If you lose sight of where you are going, who you are, what you have to offer in the midst of tough times, you increase your odds of losing the fight! When you are afraid, remember that each of us has a unique contribution to make. If you are not feeling as though you are making that contribution where you are, try to regroup and reprioritize. The big win is when you are fulfilled. Sometimes hard times are just there to remind us of what is important!

Maneuver in Relationship to the Bandit!

2009-04-09T10:37:00.008-04:00

Every move the fighter pilot makes when engaged in combat must be in relationship to the "bandit". The pilot must adjust moment to moment based on what is actually happening. There are no fantasies of how things should turn out, there is not time to blame himself or others for being in the situation, there is no slack for excuses. There is only the pilot and his or her responses to what the bandit is doing.

You might want to determine, in this moment, who or what is your "bandit"? You may want to think of the market as “the bandit”. Notice, the response is to "maneuver" in relationship to what is happening. It is not to freeze and wait for the "bandit" to determine your fate. You determine your fate!

Nose Position VS Energy!

2009-04-08T11:20:00.008-04:00

There are three inviolable rules a fighter pilot must pay attention to when engaged in battle. This is the third rule, and my personal favorite for businesses coping with a tough economy or any tough business situation.

Nose Position versus Energy: The pilot must manage the energy of the aircraft until the moment when he or she has the advantage necessary to claim nose position. (Nose position is when the pilot is able to place his or her plane in position, relative to the enemy, to shoot).

There is NO MIDDLE GROUND. If the circumstances are not right for grabbing position, the pilot must focus all his/her attention on keeping the energy of the aircraft just right for seizing the moment when it arrives.

When the circumstance for grabbing position occurs, the pilot must immediately do whatever it takes to take advantage of the moment. There can be no thought of conserving energy or of personal safety. To hesitate could offer the advantage of position to the enemy. That has the potential consequence of costing the pilot his or her life.

As you cope with the realities of the economic environment, you must manage the energy of your organization perfectly until that moment when you see the advantage of position. If you lose the organization’s energy through fear or irrelevant distractions, you won’t be ready when you need to be. You must concentrate on keeping everyone poised, positive, and ready for the perfect moment.

When it arrives, you can not hesitate lest the moment disappears, or someone else grabs it from you. You must commit to doing whatever it takes to grab the advantage available. Tough times are NOT for the timid.

To view a short video on Managing Fear, click the "play" arrow:

Time for a Revolution?

2009-04-03T06:47:00.002-04:00

The following is an excerpt from the I CHING, the ancient book of Chinese wisdom.

Sounds right to me..

"In order to succeed, revolutionary change must be in alignment with certain unchanging laws. The process must begin at the right moment, gather support from a broad base of people, be guided by sincere and capable leadership and — most important of all — must address a real need. The strength of the forces of change will always be in proportion to the urgency of the need being championed.

This is true whether the revolution is in government, in business, in education or in one's personal affairs. Revolutionary change points to a time when chaos arises from order. It is important to realize that not all order is good, not all chaos bad. Chaos, in fact, is an integral part of the way of things — as any parent (and modern science) will confirm.

Have the courage to radically change and renew the way you present yourself. In this way, you can summon chaos to your cause, and you will unleash a new power on your behalf. If engaging in a negotiation, change the rules; if composing a piece of music, add the unexpected; if courting a lover, dare to be unconventional. In periods of drought, even wild storms are preferable to yet another sunny day."

Optimist or "Economist"

2009-03-28T07:02:00.009-04:00

Last week I had the opportunity to participate on a panel for a group of about 150 minority and women owned business owners.

One of the three panel members was an economist and the other, the owner of an electric distribution company. And then, there was me.

I was struck, and frankly angry, by what I perceived to be a lack of clear direction for the event. Here was a group of small business owners in one of the toughest economies of their existence, traveling from all over the US to attend an event to help them….what?

The economist spoke for about 20 minutes about how BAD things were. He was doing his job I suppose. It's true that the economist peppered his speech with some good news. He misunderstood how leveraged the bad news was in his delivery, however. The faces of his audience were indicative of this.

The other panel member spoke of the actions she had taken to weather the storm. She had downsized by somewhere over 20%. I suspect that was a bit more helpful, but I still wonder what that audience "needed". I wonder if people traveled cross country to hear just how bad is "bad". No one knows better at the experiential level than the small business owner.

Is that what they came for? Audience members tried to say, "I'm actually doing ok." They were basically told that they didn't need to pay attention to the news then, and keep doing what they were doing. I did not see any curiosity from the moderator about what that was.

Someone asked how important “perception” was to the reversal of the economy. The economist gave a long explanation, filled with more dire warnings, which netted out at “no one knows”.

At the risk of, once again, being dissed as an optimist, I would like to say, “enough!”. I listened in dismay. When it was my turn to speak, I could feel the tension from other panel members and the moderator as I went in a completely uncompromising direction.

Economies are made up of people. They are NOT just numbers. "Yes", things are bad. "Yes", we need to change our approach.

I think our need is to be reminded that we are leaders, that we have resources, that we are problem solvers. We need to remember that the economy is our sandbox and we can build it healthy or we can build it weak. We are the creators of the economy. This is not a Tsunami with an impossible wave offering no options. We have choice. We have options.

We need to be inspired to be strong leaders for the future.

Any time we have the opportunity to join forces and meet together, the purpose should be to support and inspire each other. To use those opportunities to feed the fear of the current circumstance seems irresponsible and a waste.

It is hard not to get caught up in the frenzy. It is each and every one of our jobs to fight against that seduction. If your reaction is to think that “Toni is in La La Land” (not unfamiliar to me), then perhaps you miss a simple logic. I am not suggesting that we avoid the truth of what "is".

We created that too (all of us, not just the bankers).

I am suggesting that our odds of coming out of this better than ever are higher if we feed the right things into our thinking than if we consistently focus on the negative! Stop participating. Find your voice and risk that others will find you irrelevant, or foolish. “Foolish” is setting people up to perform badly when we need them most!

Who is HOSTING this Party?

2009-03-20T11:44:00.004-04:00

Are you appropriately seductive or are you trying to steal the show?

There are many smart people who do not know when it is a bad idea to take over. The worst of the worst are those who always think they are smarter than everyone else.

How would you know if your enthusiasm for Leadership is overplayed??

Results are always a good clue. Are you being fought at every turn? Are others resentful of your presence? Do they refuse to execute what you are creating?

Here are some things that often set you up to have problems.

· Was this project in motion before you arrived?
· Were you picked to "save" it?
· Do you have the sense that only you could "save" it?
· Are you moving into an already formed team?

If any of the above circumstances affect your reality, you may want to step back and rethink your role (no matter what charter you were given.) Assume, even if you have total authority to act as the leader of the group, others will need time to adjust to your presence.

Think of it as their party. They are the hosts and as a result, you would choose to act differently than if it were your party. You would be more respectful, you would seduce rather than demand, and you would try to include them in creating the solution rather than taking over and then imposing it on them.

Who Do You Want To Go Through Tough Times With?

2009-03-11T12:15:00.001-04:00

Who would you pick?

Option 1: cool headed, resourceful, imaginative, good sense of humor, courageous, adventuresome

Option 2: intense, fearful, risk averse, rigid, controlling, volatile, angry

We are all a bit of a “mixed pickle”, but you might want to consider that others will describe you based on your actual responses—not who you want to be!

Know any MOOKS?

2009-03-02T06:24:00.004-05:00

"Mook" (MOOK) is slang for a contemptibly incompetent or insignificant person. (From Early To Rise)

Many qualified and competent people are perceived as MOOKS for reasons that can be avoided. You might want to check and make sure that you are not giving away your credibility for avoidable behaviors. Here are some examples:

You don't respond to requests for information by e-mail or voice mail. You have your reasons, but others do not know what they are.
You are surly when others ask for help.
You respond that you don't know rather than with "I'll find out."
You won't let go of your idea, your plan, your agenda long after others are ready to go to work on another path.
You talk about things you know little about as if you were an expert.
You talk all the time without exhibiting any curiosity or listening skills.
When things need to be done, you determine your participation by deciding whether or not it is your "job".

You might want to correct these and other behaviors which steal your credibility. This is certainly an inadvisable time to act like a MOOK.

The Spiral Staircase

2009-02-27T14:10:00.003-05:00

Been working hard on your issues? Too pushy,too direct, too arrogant?Too quick to anger, to judge, to cave?

But, you're getting better, right?

There is a frustrating, but very consistent dynamic that happens to all aspiring, self-aware people. First, whatever your issue, it will be your issue forever. You will NEVER be free of it.

Depressed? Don't be. Think of it like climbing a spiral staircase. You work hard to climb and after every five or six steps, you are looking at the same scenery again. You get discouraged because you think, "I've been here before, I'm not making any progress."

You may be looking at the same issue, but try to understand the difference in altitude. Instead of seeing how the current issue is similar, try to see how it is different. What make this a higher level of the old issue?

Unhealthy Organizations

2009-02-22T11:19:00.002-05:00

How do you know if your organization is healthy?

Hint: It isn't about the Bank Statement.

Answer: You know intuitively. There are so many things that affect it but the bottom line is, does it feel good or not?

Think of the organization as if it were a personality. Ask the following questions:

Is this person passive, timid, brave, aggressive, confrontive, cooperative? The answers will tell you a lot about your organization's capacity to survive tough times.

If the personality you describe would fail, so will the organization. Find the decisions that reflect the weaker personality traits and change them to be in line with the personality you want your organization to portray.

Beware of Side Effects!

2009-02-13T07:13:00.011-05:00

Tough times are often instrumental in creating tough people. Don't be too quick to give up on the benefits!

Think in terms of these two definitions:

Resilient: elastic, flexible, pliant, supple, hard-wearing, tough, durable, strong, hardy, feisty, buoyant, quick to recover.

Or, the ANTONYM: rigid, weak

Be wary of seductions to take the easy way out. You may be missing the best part of the entire transition..and, there is a price for every choice!

Don't Lose It!

2009-02-03T07:28:00.006-05:00

Quote: "The likelihood of you surviving, you know, decreases absolutely amazingly by factors exponentially if you panic." This was a quote from a young army man who was taking his first sky diving lesson, ever. His instructor, who was on his back, had a heart attack during the dive, and the young man had to figure it all out in real time.

There is still a need for what we build, what we sell. We will come out of this.

Think of what is happening world wide as a wakeup call to review our lives, our businesses, our financial approach, our beliefs about what we need and must have. It may also represent a huge opportunity for people to relocate, find jobs they love, re-engage with their families, etc. It is absolutely the wrong time to be stubborn, hang on to the past or to get stuck in how we want it to be.

Choose to believe everything happens for a reason. One way to avoid the compelling instinct to panic is to look for the reasons, and act on what you discover.

If you lost your job, is there a place where you are more needed? Even if you absolutely believe that you must live where you are, explore the idea that there is an even better place for you and your family that you would never consider without crisis. Don't get stuck in what you believe. Let the realities help to guide you.

Expect to be delighted! Assume that in the end, if we approach this correctly, our businesses will be stronger, our families healthier, and our global community more connected. Or, assume the worst and watch the differences in what you choose.

The Rat Race: Why Do You Do It?

2009-01-30T11:12:00.005-05:00

Are you running frenetically, trying to figure it all out, while at the same time wondering why you are doing it, if it is worth it, and whether it is time to leave the rat race? You are not alone.

While the money, prestige, recognition are great, during times like now, they lose some of their luster.

Dig deep and remember that you are a leader for a reason. You are needed now more than when it was easy. Find your passion in the recognition that you may be one of the few to step up to the plate and decide to make it better for everyone.

Recommit to being a leader for the sake of leading. It all makes sense again when you do!

The Decline of the Romans

2009-01-25T06:52:00.004-05:00

Please remember, WE are the creators of our reality.

Perhaps the Romans simply did not learn from their mistakes. It’s possible they could have created a very different outcome if they had made different decisions.

Think DECLINE and we will get DECLINE. If everybody retracts, we have no hope of recovery. We will simply have less to work with as we go forward.

Too many leaders are retracting. STOP IT! Stop deciding from fear.

Look carefully at the moment and think Increase instead! Note what happens to the decisions you are preparing to make and how they morph into something else. This is a moment of opportunity. Are you responding appropriately?

Leadership Vertigo

2009-01-16T07:09:00.005-05:00

There is sometimes a dangerous, but interesting physical reaction when one flies a plane into a fog. The plane’s instruments may indicate that the plane is flying straight and level, and yet the pilot feels that he is twisted in a dangerous angle, or even in a steep dive. In trying to correct for the non-existent dive, the pilot can get himself into a truly dangerous situation. Because the physical sensations are so strong, the pilot ignores all of the different instrument readings which indicate the accurate position of the plane.

Don’t let the media, or other people’s panic affect your ability to be objective!Keep your wits about you! For more insight into the right mindset, read the blog below.

Leadership and the Right Mindset!

2009-01-12T06:50:00.004-05:00

Are you observing (or executing) short-sighted, mean-spirited leadership because the times are tough?

What is the right mind-set for our current, spooky environment? Survive? Or, Survive and Thrive? Adding the words “and Thrive” makes an enormous difference in how people choose.

If you are in survival mode, try to take a break. Imagine all the opportunity in the moment. Identify all the assets available to you (as opposed to looking at what you have lost). Reconfigure how you think about those assets.

It is often helpful to imagine that you have just been given the assets and it is your job to start a new business with those assets.

Example: I recently talked to a marketing executive who had just had her budget cut from $200 million to $120 million. She was beside herself with how difficult it made everything. All I could think was, “Man, I wish I had that budget and knew everything she knows about where she gets optimum value!”

Ask yourself if your head is spinning with how to survive, or if you are thinking strategically about how to survive and thrive? Are you looking at your assets with a view of scarcity, or are you seeing them as if you had nothing and were given this bounty? Celebrate what you do have as if it were the foundation for something big.

Fantasy vs Reality

2009-01-06T11:02:00.004-05:00

Do you sometimes play the fool to the artistry of great branding?

I bought a vehicle not so long ago that had a fabulous reputation. My experience has been less than the branding would indicate. I have found them to be incredibly snobbish to deal with and frankly, the quality does not warrant their attitude. I have owned less expensive vehicles with far better service and quality.

As the levels of cleverness in branding increase, the reliability that you are getting what you pay for could, in fact, be decreasing. The danger is that, over time, people rely on the brand without being discerning about the true value of the product.

How much are you, individually and organizationally, susceptible to deceptive branding? How often have you assumed that the bigger name, better known organization will be superior to the boutique?

For example, there are many savvy people who bought into the elitism of a certain investment portfolio (recently exposed as an enormous scam) with very little knowledge of the actual investments. Many lost a significant percentage of their wealth. Would they have been so eager to do so if the portfolio had not been so well branded as THE place for wealthy people to invest?

Whatever the purchase, test your reaction to the product based on the result, not your knowledge of the brand. Start small and increase your exposure the same as you would with a lesser brand. Trust yourself .

There is really only one way to determine value. Outcome. Pay attention. Don’t get “snowed” by clever marketing.

Insidious Entitlement

2008-12-20T06:32:00.004-05:00

If you spend many of your waking hours working for a company, it owes you, right?

A large portion of our culture is functioning under a philosophy that lacks logic. When one removes the emotionalism and victimization from our current economic situation, many things become clearer.

A company is a thing. It survives or not, according to some very basic rules. One cannot violate those rules repeatedly over time and expect an illogical result (fantasy). For example, it must produce something that others demand. It must bring in as much or more as it spends. It must be continually reinventing itself because the world is changing, no matter what.

It doesn’t owe its employees. It doesn’t owe its stockholders. It is a thing. Employees and stockholders have the same freedom that purchasers of the company’s product have. They can decide if they like what they receive for participating and if not, they can choose to invest or go elsewhere.

There is a consistent gullibility in employees of both small and large companies, sometimes from the top down. There seems to be an expectation that the company is there as a servant to them. There has been a pervasive assumption that if they continue to increase their demands on the company, the company is obligated to continue to respond. They (employees, stockholders etc.) value their input, leadership, involvement at higher and higher levels without asking the simple questions about the nature of demands and how they affect THE COMPANY’S capacity to respond over time. "Wake up" is often shocking.

Rather than everyone having a sense of responsibility for the success of this entity, instead there is this sense that the Thing is there to take care of them. The leaders who do take their stewardship of the THING seriously seem to be in the minority.

It may be selfish, it may be entitlement, but it is certainly illogical!

Don't Look Down!

2008-12-16T06:38:00.005-05:00

How do you avoid it with the media blasting at you constantly about how bad it is and how this person lost his home, this family gave up its pet, a woman is living in her car?

I personally like to read my news rather than watch it. It is much less emotional.

Also, remember that they are not YOU. You must be brave and you must stay creative, open, curious. You should also not be arrogant. Where's the balance?

The times are real. They are highly likely to reach deep and affect everyone to some degree. Use your choices wisely. Examine everything from a perspective of how you can fit into the stream of what is happening and add value. If you are looking from a perspective of "What Problems Can I Help Solve?" as opposed to "How do I protect myself?" you are more likely to weather this storm and perhaps even Thrive.

Best Kept Secrets

2008-12-14T08:14:00.003-05:00

In the spirit of “thriving” during tough times, I would like to share some of my “secrets” for finding big value at great prices here. I am often a hero at birthdays and holidays and am often chastised for spending too much. I never do. I do love quality, but I like to think that I am clever as well.

I would also like to encourage readers to share their “secrets” for finding value in the comments section at the end of this article. And then, send the link around so that others can add to the list.

AVON: BEAUTY’S BEST KEPT SECRET
I realize that it is difficult to sort through their catalog, but they have some phenomenal products which, in my mind, are competitive with the much more expensive lines that you may have been buying from department stores. They invest heavily in R&D, and are constantly offering new products to the market that we might never be aware of if we are frequenting the cosmetic counters elsewhere. I have a client at AVON who sent me a goodie bag at Christmas and I was surprised and delighted with much of what I found in my bag.

Example: The ANEW skin care line is awesome. I no longer spend four times the money for something that has the same ingredients. They also have makeup that is competitive in quality with what you are probably using. STOP buying expensive name brands and check them out. I can be a snob, but I hate to be a fool. No sense paying a fortune for the bottle!

BIDZ.COM
Want to give someone a very special present at a great price? Bidz is a site where jewelry is auctioned non stop, all year long. They publish a retail price on many items. They also offer the option of having a formal appraisal for anything you buy. I have found fantastic values. Here are some cautions. Do your homework. Click on the item and read the detailed specs for the item. If you are going to bid on the expensive items, learn how to interpret the Quality of the stones, etc. Also, keep in mind that they have a fabulous photographer. Get your ruler out and read the measurements carefully. Items are often smaller in real life than they appear in the pictures. I personally stay away from items that are branded (example: VERA WANG). People seem to take confidence from the branding, and tend to bid much higher on those items. That said, I have had some of my prices appraised elsewhere after purchase and have been VERY pleased. My rule of thumb has been that unless I am totally smitten with an item, I don’t bid more than 10% of its value. Imagine, a $1200 item for $120. That’s value. Warning: It is addictive.

SIERRATRADINGPOST.COM:
If you are into outdoor sports, this is a wonderful on-line site for anything you can imagine you might need. I have found stylish and well made brand name items for equestrians for a fraction of the price by simply typing “riding” in the search box. Even if you are not an equestrian, you would love some of their stock. Boots, gloves, socks (really good wool ones) are all a good buy. Their service is impeccable.

SMARTBARGAINS.COM
This has been another very consistent site for value for everything from cashmere winter coats to sheets and towels. I believe they are affiliated with Loehman’s but I do not know to what degree. Again, their service is very polished.

These are just a few of my favorite things. Pass it on and add your own.

Note: we claim no liability for your interaction with any of the companies listed here or in the comments section. You must do your homework. We are saying that our personal experience around these products and services has been very good.

Feeling Picked on By Life?

2008-12-09T12:47:00.001-05:00

Many years ago I was moaning to a friend about some aspect of my life that I felt was incomplete. This person was clearly not buying into my sense of having been unfairly treated by life.

“Everyone has a story,” he said. “Did you never notice that everyone has suffered through disappointment? Do you think you are special in some way?”

Ouch. And yet, I have never forgotten. I am particularly mindful of his point whenever I am listening to someone, anyone, sounding as if they have suffered a cruelty unlike anyone else before them. Even if they are confronted with similar examples of their fate, they are convinced that somehow, their own journey is worse, harder, more complicated.

When you are consumed with your own misfortune, attempt to come out of the haze and be aware of how others are suffering. Perhaps you will realize that you are not so “special” after all, and that perhaps you sound a bit self-absorbed.

Cream Rises

2008-12-08T05:42:00.008-05:00

Put yourself in the shoes of the decision makers.

If they are smart, they will get rid of the dead weight first.

Do you mark time at work as opposed to constantly identify ways to add value? Are you a complainer? Do you cut corners, lack appreciation, or take advantage of inattentiveness on the part of your leadership?

When companies are in survival mode, they will find ways to identify and get rid of the trouble makers, the lazy, and the under-performers.

If you have been a strong performer and have simply been a victim of the times, you will survive and thrive. Trust that. If you have been a dead weight, live and learn!

Bail Out: A Wake-Up Call for all of us!

2008-12-03T13:44:00.007-05:00

After all of the failures of the last months, we are faced with one of the biggest potential meltdowns of an institution of our times. Many weigh in on whether we should bail out the auto makers, as if they were separate from the rest of us.

We are all a part of the crisis, both cause and effect, no matter how much we would like to distance ourselves. We have used our companies like our extended family, expecting them to provide our health care, retirement funds, and extended benefits long after we ceased to contribute. We have an "attitude" of entitlement.

Business success can be simplified to the following: what comes in must be greater than what goes out. How many cars must you sell to carry all of the liabilities that have been assessed?

We all own the problem and we must all join in getting through it. We must save these organizations that have overfed us for years and then, we must all identify where we have asked too much and left too little for the future.

This is not about saving the auto makers. This is about saving ourselves.

Cutthroat-Takeover Artists

2008-12-01T07:31:00.005-05:00

Let's deal with the most extreme form of a Bully, which we will call a Troll. A Troll is a more dangerous version of a Bully. Normal Bullies use bullying as a way of getting their way. Trolls want to take over, no matter what the cost to others.

When a Troll begins to act out on someone in a way that makes no sense, assume that it makes perfect sense if you just understand the motive. Look for it. The bully is often setting someone up to take a fall and it is often not obvious who that person is.

You may think it is the person who is being publicly berated, but that is usually not the case. Frequently, the person being set up is someone above the Bully in the food chain. The obvious person being attacked may be a resource to, or an ally of the real target. He or she is easier to take out and is part of a longer term plan to get the person in the hot seat out of power.

How will you know? Observe carefully the nature of the attack. Move past your certainty that it makes no sense, and identify what it is that the Troll is creating by doing what he or she is doing. Identify who specifically will lose if the Bully/Troll is successful. Be bold and trace that loss upward to the person who may ultimately look like the biggest failure if the attacks are successful. Remember, a Troll is capable of hurting the organization in order to make someone look bad.

Once you identify what it is the Bully is after, than begin your own strategic war with the Bully. Rather than taking he or she on publicly which is rarely successful, you will want to be clever about outmaneuvering his or her plays.

Few people want to think this hard. We mostly just want to be straight forward and honest. Trolls are dangerous for a reason. When you are dealing with a Troll,you must become more subtle and less fearful. Identify your own sense of what is best for the organization, and throw your commitment into protecting those who need to be protected.

Don't be obvious. If you are obvious, you will attract the Troll's attention and become the more primary target.

Talk Is Cheap!

2008-11-25T06:24:00.006-05:00

Or so they say…Personally, I think we may all be finding that “talk” is definitely not cheap.

Too many of our leaders are simply not prepared for crisis. Many of them are not leading, although they believe that is just what they are doing.

They talk “tough” about making the difficult decisions. Too often these "leaders" will not be directly affected by these tough decisions. They can afford to talk tough because the decisions they are advocating will not affect their personal ability to “get by”. I guarantee they would be desperately afraid if the outcomes they suggest were happening to them personally.

I also hear leaders weighing in about who should be saved and who should not. Some of these people have personally established or helped to establish the foundation for our current economic meltdown. They helped create the financial environment and the Wall Street Mentality. These tough talkers are “leaders” who received kudos because of ruthless, repetitive cost cutting in order to affect that bottom line in time for each and every quarterly report. They called it “growth.”

Some of these "leaders", who repetively left the organizations they marked for future disintegration with their leadership (before they faltered), feel that they are entitled to comment on how the auto makers should take it in the chin and get on with it. Perhaps some of them should walk through an appliance department and find out which products have the worst reputation for quality. They might evaluate leadership differently if they did. I certainly do.

Within organizations, I find individuals who are paid as leaders, who hesitate to make decisions other than who should stay and who should go. I search for creativity, bravery and a focus on creating abundance for the future. In short, I search for Leadership. Instead I find self-absorbed, ruthless, survival of the fittest, or timid, tentative, debilitated individuals who are afraid to move lest it draw attention to the fact that they are still there. They talk big, but they act small.

Fear based leadership is not real leadership!Entitled, self agrandizing leadership is not leadership. Pretense of creativity with no risk taking or action that might include accountability is NOT leadership. A leader is not a leader until he or she is prepared to accept what he or she is willing to dish out. Without that acceptance of vulnerability, he or she is just “talk”.

Keep it Moving!

2008-11-19T11:10:00.005-05:00

Perspective for the day:

Symbol: The economy as a vital, pumping heart sending energy to the entire system; Or, the economy as a muscle which is atrophying and dying.

If our economy is a form of energy within a social ecosystem, are our choices creating more vitality or are they a form of going into hibernation?

No matter how frightened you are, task yourself and others to think more about creating vitality in your immediate ecosystem. Try to be the voice of reason when the focus is only on cost cutting, eliminating jobs, and withdrawing. Yes, we should eliminate that which is stagnant or atrophying. That is not the same as indiscriminant stopping of all spending.

Invent or energize that which offers vitality. Also, be thoughtful about pouring energy to that which is dying. Unless we are certain that it can be revitalized, to do so will diffuse the energy available to nurture that which is vital.

Hoarding may buy you time, but time to do what? Time to drag out a slow death? Do your part to KEEP IT MOVING!

Bad News?

2008-11-17T05:31:00.004-05:00

If you are weary of getting bad news, consider the following excerpt from the I CHING (The very ancient Chinese Book of Changes).

The I Ching: #59

"Nothing survives forever, not even rocks, not even the most rigid of structures. The erosion of that which has been solid is not necessarily bad: it can mean that something new is being created. The image is of ice floes, hardened in winter, dispersing in the warmth of spring; when the ice melts, a mighty river emerges.

Rigidity in the hearts of men tends to breed a separateness which can only be thawed by a greater force: typically, some strong spiritual stirring. The thawing of cold hearts brings good fortune.

The first thing to dissolve is any internal rigidity which separates you from others. Try to work more closely with others, concentrating on common activities which evidence your integrity and native goodwill. Sudden, strong action in support of a greater good can lift the spirit, and lead toward new possibilities in many areas. Spiritual impulses - including righteous indignation and a strong sense of justice - should be honored, and acted upon. They can provide the initial impulse to important and constructive change.

And if you should have any lingering business or other partnerships which are inactive or not working, you might consider dissolving these as well."

Tough Times?

2008-11-15T07:13:00.004-05:00

I had a friend who was going through a very tough time. It was the “Perfect Storm”. She filed a harassment complaint. After years of excellent performance reviews, she was suddenly an "underperformer". She had no financial cushion. Her mother died in the middle of her employment debacle. She lost her job. In an attempt to cut expenses, she gave a very expensive horse to a girl’s school. One of the instructors rode the horse HARD for two weeks, called her saying he was lame and they were sending him back. It was a Saturday.

She was beside herself. It was all too much. “This is the worst day of my life”, she said.

She hustled hard over the weekend and found a wealthy woman who was willing to take the horse and spend the year or so it would take to heal this significant injury.

Monday she started a new job on a beautiful estate in Virginia. She was ecstatic. Her unthinking comment Monday evening was, “this has been the best day of my life.”

No matter how bad things get, the difference between BEST and WORST may only be a matter of hours. Surely you can hang in there to find out!

Expect to be delighted!

Scared Silly? More lessons from WANDA.

2008-11-11T16:51:00.006-05:00

Remember Wanda? She was the horse with the BIG attitude. She has taught me something else that just might have some value to you.

I am talking to too many people who have lost their savings. They are frustrated and fearful of the future, and angry that they are basically starting over at a time when they thought they would be resting from the long journey.

With Wanda, I would struggle and fight to accomplish the simplest things. Finally she would understand and I would coast for a while. BUT, then something would always happen. Either she would decide she was bored and she would test me yet again. Or, my trainer would show up and raise the level. Either way, coasting was not an option. Once again, I had to engage and begin the struggle again.

Recently, I have been riding a different horse. She is a much smaller version of Wanda. I am joyfully discovering what a good rider the battles with Wanda have made me. What once would have been a difficult challenge has become easy.

Embrace the struggle. It really does make you stronger. If it has arrived at your door, the Universe has decided that your rest period is over.

REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. YOU CAN WIN AGAIN, EASIER THIS TIME BECAUSE YOU KNOW SO MUCH MORE.

Note: I have finished "From the Mouth of a Horse;Lessons from Wanda". Click on her picture to your right, click on our logo, and then find the download button on the left side of the page to get your free PDF copy!

FIGMO

2008-11-09T13:04:00.002-05:00

It’s a military acronym. You might want to look it up!

It refers to that magic time between assignments, when the person is unafraid of repercussions for his or her choices. What I try to tell my clients is that it is an attitude.

Strong Leadership acts a bit like being in that state of Grace called “FIGMO”. You do the right thing because it is the RIGHT thing and you unafraid of whether others will like it. I liken it to a way of thinking that helps people to feel as if they are free of the “approval dance” and other drama requiring them to contort their responses when they most need to be authentic.

Unfortunately, as I may have indicated previously, very few leaders act as though they are FIGMO when they are doing their jobs. My fantasy is an economic environment where everyone has that kind of confidence, even when they do not know that they are “moving on”.

"Spoiled Brat" Leadership

2008-11-07T06:27:00.004-05:00

Think you are pretty important? Do you expect others to magically be available when you call a meeting at the last minute? Do you assume that your rank entitles you to bump others out of a conference room that they have had scheduled for weeks? Do you call early morning and evening meetings because you know that your subordinates won’t say “no”.

Shame on you. Certainly you believe your agenda to be important. What you fail to consider is what the agenda of those you have just maneuvered might have been and whether you are disrupting something significant, possibly essential. Don’t worry. They will reschedule around you. At what cost? You may never know! Your expectation that they have nothing else important to do is not only insulting, it is also BAD BUSINESS!

Does your organization appear disciplined, controlled, focused? Keep in mind that your organization is a reflection of your leadership style. How a leader manages his or her schedule is often a strong indication of his or her personal power. There are very few leaders who understand how much scheduling style affects outcomes. Those that are respectful of other schedules are rare and also, interestingly, much more commanding in their leadership presence than most of the senior executives who allow their schedule to morph depending on who is asking. They are also more potent, and ultimately more respected than those leaders who assume that their rank allows them to be disrespectful.

Try something. Do not allow something to be put on your calendar unless you fully expect to honor it. And then, do so no matter what. If you cannot imagine saying "I'm unavailable. Can I contribute some other way?" to someone "up" the food chain, then try not to pretend that you are a powerful leader. You are failing a simple test!

In Search of Simplicity

2008-11-05T08:49:00.004-05:00

The key is to understand what you fear. Fear is often the reason people complicate their lives. If you are afraid of looking bad, you will overlay everything you do with the need to look good. If you are afraid of failing, you will create extra, fear based steps to avoid failing.

Unfortunately if you are a leader, you have a doubly complicated problem. You have not only made your own life more complicated by whatever fear it is that drives your behavior. You have also complicated the lives of those who follow you.

Suppose you are afraid to be out of control.Your controlling behavior will cascade onto the lives of others. If you are afraid of failing, you will intensify your demands on others to avoid failing. If you are afraid of looking bad, you will make your subordinates work twice as hard so that you can look good.

Identify your fear and look around for the ways it is being manifested in the behaviors of those who interact with you. If you can get control of your own fears, you will have stripped layers of work away from those who do not have the fear, but who are accommodating you.

The Best Predictor of Future Behavior is.....

2008-11-02T05:17:00.002-05:00

When you choose who to support, associate with, or partner with, do not be fooled by eloquent expression. Too many of us our fooled by an ability to communicate into our desires, our fears and our belief systems (many of which may have been badly formed). In other words, there are those who would use their communication talents to manipulate you.

So how do you determine reality?

Do your homework. The more it matters, the more homework you must do. Study the person’s past choices as evidence of his or her true character. Don’t be fooled by what they say. Identify the patterns by what they “do”.

Choose wisely. Look for integrity, follow through, commitment, strength of character, Leadership, and willingness to stand up for what they believe. It is not just about "what" they believe, but whether or not they live their beliefs.

In other words, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Support only those who you would trust to stand up to the demons, no matter how hard the choices are.

2008-10-30T05:43:00.000-04:00

"Once the vanity of all human endeavors has been exposed, two outcomes are likely. Either you will continue to strive for life's rewards as if they were real - or you will find yourself falling into the depths of awful despair. But after despair, then what?

First there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is. No blame."

The I Ching

What Goes Around, Comes Around!

2008-10-26T08:03:00.005-04:00

Get very clear about what you want.

Now look at your behavior.

You may be right about everything you believe in terms of the other person’s pettiness, inappropriate responses, ego, lack of logic, etc.

But if what you want is for the relationship to be productive, with mutual respect and consideration to both sides, you will have to let go of your need to be right.

How do you do that?

Assume that you, through your righteousness, are exhibiting some of the very same behaviors you abhor. Stop doing it. Don’t just try to act more respectful of the other person (this rarely fools anyone). Identify and remember why you do respect the other person (you may have to dig deep-how badly do you want this??)

You must do this with no expectations. You are very likely to be pleasantly surprised!

Are You Pulling Back on the Stick?

2008-10-24T11:43:00.002-04:00

Did you know that if you pull back on the stick on a stalling airplane, you increase the stall?

Check yourself!

In a stall, find your version of increasing your airspeed to save yourself! It might mean moving even faster toward the fate you fear...

I like to think that if I am going down, I prefer to flameout!! I cannot tell you how many business situations I have actually saved by that attitude!

Don't Open This FILE!

2008-10-21T06:26:00.003-04:00

Warning: Do not open this particular pocket in your brain over the coming years. It will create a massive melt down of your hard drive. The result is a dysfunctional, tentative instability in the face of financial uncertainty.

Many adults have been carrying this virus for years as a result of childhood dinner table discussions about the Great Depression. Our current financial crisis has caused a release of this virus world wide. Normally courageous and creative individuals are freezing up with their unbidden images of food lines and world wide catastrophe.

Remember how concerned we were about a disastrous computer meltdown as we approached the year 2000? Thanks to a lot of due diligence and hard work, it was mostly avoided. We have just had a similar warning in our financial world. It is time to dig down, and root out the potential catalysts for major crisis. BUT, we must not allow memories of a different time, different circumstance to cause us to freeze up at a time when we should be rolling up our sleeves and solving problems.

DON'T LOOK DOWN!

2008-10-17T06:09:00.001-04:00

Scared about the economy?
Don’t be. Bad waste of your energy.
Every single downturn offers opportunities to the brave and the creative. You have a choice. You can quiver with your fear, or you can think outside the box.
Guess which one offers better odds?
Things will be different. Do not wait for things to go back to “NORMAL”. Imagine that this moment is yours to embrace and get on with it!

Ready for the next round?

2008-10-14T18:47:00.005-04:00

Hoping things will just settle now that it seems to be over?

Crises are often a warning! Assume that if everything goes back to "normal", the next crisis will be worse. Are you resting, or making adjustments now that you know the future?

Freefall!

2008-10-10T16:55:00.002-04:00

FREEFALL?

WITHOUT A PARACHUTE?

NO CLEAR ANSWERS?

CAN’T “MAKE IT ALL BETTER” FOR THOSE WHO YOU FEEL RESPONSIBLE TO?

Slow down. Take a deep breath. You will get through this. You will have what you need when you need it.

You must first accept that there are just some things that you cannot make better. Crises are often precipitated through bad decisions, wrong thinking, and misunderstandings of the way things really work. They are quite often necessary course corrections.

Let’s teach each other just how resilient and clever we really are. Let’s take our medicine, learn our lessons, and weave our new understandings of resourcefulness into our thinking process. That’s the choice. Whine, grieve and fear or dig in and Figure it OUT!

Climbing the Food Chain

2008-10-03T06:03:00.002-04:00

Are you frustrated because it seems to make no sense who gets ahead and who does not?

Do you feel as though you have filled all the squares, only to remain underappreciated or passed over?

Consider this.

Try to imagine what it would be like to be at the next level.

Ask yourself what the hardest part of that person’s job is.

Stop thinking about all the ways you are qualified, and ask yourself what you have yet to learn to be ready. For example, are you really ready to be fully exposed if and when things go wrong? Are you ready for the media and how ruthless it can be at the top? You may covet the lime light, but do you feel fully prepared to handle it when things are BAD?

Try to stop thinking in terms of time, and try to think instead in terms of being fully ready.

Don’t think of the system as fickle, but instead think of the larger Universe as protecting you from exceeding your own preparedness. Get back to work! It will happen when it’s time..

Thoughts on Risk Taking

2008-09-25T07:27:00.004-04:00

Did you ever wonder how some people do it? They speak out about issues that are uncomfortable, they take on the bullies when no one else will, they live with uncertainty calmly, tackle dangerous jobs or sports,and they do not spend their lives focusing on putting away for their retirement.

It does not necessarily mean that they are unafraid. Mostly, they just analyze risk differently than you do. They think differently. Some examples:

They look at the entire picture of an unfolding event, and they decide that to not speak out has far more risk than to speak out.

They take on the Bully because they know that if they don’t, the Bully will get worse. Whatever the Bully can and will do to them now, is less than he or she is likely to do if he or she continues unchecked.

Uncertainty to the risk taker is simply about time. If they ride it out, it is bound to become certain at some point.

Money to the risk taker is a means to an end. Rather than seeing it as security, they operate from a point of view that sees money as something to be moved, traded for other means to their end, etc. They use money rather than saving it for something in the future that does not necessarily have any other guarantees around it.

Danger does not seem nearly so dangerous to the risk taker as the risk of a boring life or the risk of not meeting some challenge. The big risk in their mind is the danger of mediocrity.

Simply, The Risk Taker evaluates all of the variables simultaneously and when they choose their path, they often see it as the path with the LEAST RISK…. Think about that!

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"Genug Ist Genug"

2008-09-20T06:53:00.003-04:00

Do you know when it is time to quit? Do you often push past the point where you are too exhausted to be reasonable, stable, rationale?

There is a German phrase. Genug ist Genug means “enough is enough”.

I find that when I take a moment to say that phrase out loud to myself, it often is just enough to make me realize that I have pushed myself as far as I should. I use it like an intervention. Once I have said it, I then ask myself whether whatever I am doing is really that important. Is it really critical that I finish it right now?
I almost always find that whatever I am doing can wait.

Keep in mind that if you are OC, you might have to challenge yourself with questions like:

If I don’t finish, what am I afraid will happen?
How real is that?

If that happens, how bad is it really?

How much of my concern is related to what others will think? Now, be ruthless with this next question. Am I really getting the payoff I seek by trying so hard to please others? Are they grateful? Appreciative? In one hundred years, will anyone really care if the beds were made, the lawn was mowed, the paper work was finished back in 2008?

Have I considered the impact on others if I exhaust myself past the point of being reasonable?

Perspective! Try to get a higher level view of the situation and begin taking better care of yourself. Frankly, if you are working yourself frenetically, no matter how big the issue, you are not working at your optimal performance anyway!

Genug ist Genug. Take a break!