Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?

Are you tired of being too often engaged in battle? Does it seem that friction dominates your life? Are you assuming that you are a victim?

After all, you were so careful to choose your words in a way you hoped would deflect the issue rather than make it worse. And yet, worse it got, as Yoda might say.

The issue is that few people understand that communications actually happen at the feeling level. Whatever you are feeling is what will be communicated (even in writing). No matter how sophisticated you are with words, you will indicate what you feel by tone, word patterns and nuances that are subtle yet powerful. If you are resenting the need to explain yourself, what you will communicate is resentment. If you feel smarter or superior, the other person will feel that. Never assume that you are the "good guy" because you said all the right things and the other person still had a bad reaction.

There are two problems. The first problem is that sophisticated communicators are often mystified by why their carefully chosen words are offensive. They get in more trouble because they get very stuck in being "right" in the interaction, as opposed to owning what they were actually feeling (and therefore, communicating.)

The second problem is that few people take the time to manage their own intent. They are so busy being clever and winning that they forget to examine what they should want. They don't make the effort to step back and ask what the most ideal outcome of their communication could and should be.

It's very possible that you are being narcissistic. You are absorbed in your side of the issue with an inability to really understand what the other person is reacting to and feeling. If you really want to be successful as a communicator, try intending to create outcomes that actually matter instead of trying to win.

Remember Who You Are!

Nope, it is definitely not over yet. Although the senior leaders of the financial companies that got us into this mess in the first place are receiving large bonuses, the rest of us are still feeling an economy that is frozen in retraction mode. We are not stupid and we "get it" that these leaders have learned nothing from the debacle.

So what do we do? Lay low. Why? Because if we overreact to symptoms of recovery, we know at an intuitive level that we will get whacked again.

Is that the right answer? Who knows? It is simply what we are doing.

It is important, however, that as you go through this moment in time you do not lose sight of who you are and what you are capable of. Try not to allow the times to make you feel powerless and inadequate. Be ready to pounce when the time feels right!

More Revelations about You!

A few weeks ago I posted "What Your Calendar Reveals". There is a longer version of that article on Ezinearticles.com and a link on this blog if you care to read it.

There are other things you do that tell others a lot about who you are and your leadership style.

Let's take the issue of email for example.

Here are some signals you may be inadvertently sending:

1. Do you sometimes file emails requesting information, intending to get back to them later?
   
2. Are you religious about doing so?
3. Do you determine whether you want to respond in the moment and choose to ignore some?
4. If you know that you do not have time or the inclination to respond to the person's request for information, do you tell them that they cannot count on you, or do you leave them to figure that out for themselves?
5. When you decide what you will respond to and what you will not, do you decide based on their relative importance in the food chain?
6. Do you promise contact and then not deliver because the issue is no longer important to YOU?

Remember that at the other end of that email is someone waiting for a response. As they wait and wonder, they are also reacting.

The above responses to email are all symptoms of how you view the world. You are not invisible. Yes, you get a lot of email. Everyone does. Keep in mind however that every decision you make is a Communication. If you choose not to respond to some issues or some people, you are sending them a message. You are saying, quite clearly, "You simply are not important enough to me to respond." or "I would rather avoid this issue for the moment." Either interpretation leaves the other person with a decision.

They are deciding how they feel about you, whether they respect you or not, whether you are quite possibly too disorganized to be effective, etc. They are deciding who you are as a Leader.

Make sure that you are sending the message you want to send in terms of your vision of yourself. There is no common sense in telling the world that you are simply not up to the task.

Give Yourself Points for Showing Up!

Absolutely every human knows what it feels like to be afraid. The issues are different and the degree of fear a person feels are variable, but fear is a familiar emotion to most.

The manifestations of fear are also variable. Some bluster, others retreat. Controlling behavior is a very common symptom.

Two subjects which may be relevant:

1. Have you ever noticed how some blood lines in horses, dogs, cats, etc, exhibit similar fear-based responses? Why should it be different with humans? Perhaps your fears are part of a genetic pattern that makes controlling them more difficult than simply deciding to do so.

2. Being aware of your fear based patterns is a key to managing them. Often they play in the background, controlling your behaviors without revealing their true nature.

If you should discover that many of your choices are directed by fear, do not lose heart. This is probably true for most people. The ones who win are the ones who show up every day in spite of their fears. Successful people push themselves forward, finding increments that allow them to chew their fears into bite size pieces.

The big winners simply ignore their fear and push on regardless. Don’t assume that they have no fear. They may fear different things than you fear, but if you are alert you will see their weak spots.

Instead of berating yourself for being afraid, try to pay attention to how much you accomplish in spite of it.

What Your Calendar Reveals

Do you think of yourself as a machete swinging pirate?

Your calendar may give you away! If you run from one meeting to the next, never have a minute to catch your breath, and feel like a victim of circumstance over which you have no control, it is YOU!

Here are some things your schedule (and how you keep it) may say about who you really are:

1. You do not know how to say "No".
2. You do not know how to set priorities.
3. You are filled with a sense of self importance.
4. You do not believe others are capable of functioning properly without you.
5. You have done a lousy job of choosing your team, and are therefore afraid to delegate.
6. You are simply afraid to delegate.
7. You are a control freak who cannot accept or allow decisions to be made that you are not a part of. Notice the word "accept". Remember the kid at school who always had to have everything his/her way?
8. You are afraid others will get ahead of you if you are not there to protect your interests.
9. You change your calendar based on whomever is more important, thus forcing everything else to move around constantly.
   

Perhaps there are good reasons why your schedule is crazy. In your delusional world, you may be thinking that you are doing the right thing by being accommodating. Instead, you might look at it the way others will often see it:

1. You cannot be trusted
2. You have no spine.
3. You are more interested in your career than you are in managing your role.
4. You lack personal power.
5. You are disorganized and inefficient.
6. You are disrespectful (you make commitments but then do not keep them or move them if someone more important asks for your time.)


It simply does not matter what you think about why things are out of control. If they are, you are the only one who can stop it.